Louis C.K. - Banks

  • Season 5 , Ep 10
  • 09/02/2001
  • Views: 40,563

Louis C.K expresses his anger with his bank. (4:27)

JUST DEALING WITH BIG COMPANIES.

LIKE MY BANK IS THE WORST.

THEY'RE SCREWING ME, MY BANK.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO ME?

THEY ARE CHARGING ME MONEY

FOR NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

APPARENTLY, WHEN YOU'RE BROKE

THAT COSTS MONEY.

THE BANK CALLED.

THEY CALLED ME UP, THEY'RE LIKE,

"HI, WE'RE CALLING BECAUSE YOU

DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY."

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I KNOW THAT.

I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH

MONEY."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "NO, YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND, SEE, YOU HAVE

INSUFFICIENT FUNDS."

I WAS LIKE, "WELL THAT'S A GOOD

WAY TO PUT IT, TOO.

I AGREE WITH THAT.

I FIND MY NDS TO BE GROSSLY

INSUFFICIENT.

FRANKLY, I WAS GETTING READY

TO CALL YOU GUYS, BUT THANKS FOR

CALLING...

TO TELL ME THAT I'M BROKE."

SHE'S LIKE, "WELL WE REALLY NEED

YOU TO GET MORE IN THERE.

IT'S REALLY A PROBLEM FOR US."

LIKE, "LOOK I'M NOT BEING BROKE

JUST TO (BLEEP) WITH YOU,

ALL RIGHT?

I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SHE'S--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

SO THIS IS WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO

SHE SAYS, "YOU ONLY HAVE $20.

THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE $20.

SO WE'RE GONNA CHARGE YOU $15."

SO THEY CHARGED ME $15.

THEN I HAD $5.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER HAD

ONLY $5 IN THE BANK,

BUT GUESS WHAT, YOU CAN'T GET IT

OUT.

YOU CAN'T.

YOU CAN VISIT YOUR $5.

YOU CAN CALL IT ON THE PHONE.

BUT YOU CAN'T GET IT OUT!

THERE'S NO $5'S IN THE MACHINES.

AND YOU CAN'T GO IN THE BANK

ANYMORE 'CAUSE THEY'RE OPEN FOR

LIKE TEN SECONDS.

THEY'RE LIKE, "AAAHHH!"

AND THEN THEY CLOSE.

THAT'S IT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO THERE I HAD $5 THAT

I COULDN'T HAVE FOR THREE DAYS

TILL THEY CHARGED ME ANOTHER $15

LEAVING ME WITH WHAT?

THAT'S RIGHT-- NEGATIVE $10.

THIS HAPPENED TO YOU BEFORE,

HASN'T IT?

NEGATIVE $10, WHAT DOES THAT

MEAN?

THAT MEANS I DON'T EVEN HAVE

NO MONEY ANYMORE.

I WISH I HAD NOTHING,

BUT I DON'T HAVE IT.

I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH.

I HAVE NOT TEN.

THAT'S HOW MUCH I HAVE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEGATIVE 10.

WHAT THE HELL IS NEGATIVE 10?

I GOTTA GET SOMEONE WITH NO

MONEY TO LEND ME SOME.

I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY SOMETHING

THAT DOESN'T COST ANYTHING.

THAT'S WHERE I'M AT.

I CAN ONLY AFFORD TO GET

SOMETHING THAT COSTS THAT YOU

GIVE ME $10.

THAT'S MY PRICE RANGE.

NEGATIVE 10.

WHAT KIND OF A SYSTEM IS THAT?

THEY HAVE PEOPLE AT THE BANK,

THEY GO, "OKAY, SOME OF THESE

PEOPLE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY

SO WE'D BETTER TAKE THEIR MONEY

AWAY FROM THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVE

SO LITTLE."

THAT'S IT.

THERE'S NO BETTER EXPLANATION

THAN THAT.

THEN THEY GO, "THESE PEOPLE HAVE

SO MUCH MONEY."

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF MONEY THEY

GIVE YOU MONEY JUST FOR HAVING

IT.

THEY GO, "YOU HAVE SO MUCH

MONEY, THAT WE SHOULD GIVE YOU

MORE, BECAUSYOU HAVE SO MUCH.

"HERE TAKE THIS GUY'S $15.

THE HELL WITH HIM.

WHAT THE HELL'S HE DOING WITH

IT?

JUST WASTING OUR TIME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

WHAT WOULD I DO WITH THE MONEY

ANYWAY?

BILL GATES HAS $90 BILLION.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

BILL GATES HAS $90 BILLION.

LAST YEAR HE GAVE AWAY $500

MILLION, WHAT A CHEAP (BLEEP).

I DON'T KNOW.

IF I HAD $90 BILLION I WOULDN'T

HAVE IT FOR LONG, 'CAUSE I WOULD

JUST DREAM OF ALL THE CRAZY

STUFF I COULD DO WITH IT.

THIS GUY.

90 BILLION.

HE COULD TAKE 2 BILLION--

HE COULD BUY EVERY BASEBALL TEAM

AND MAKE THEM ALL WEAR DRESSES

AND STILL HAVE $88 BILLION.

WHAT'S HE WAITING FOR?

THAT'S THE KIND OF THING I WOULD

DO.

LIKE, BUY ALL THE PANTS IN THE

WORLD AND JUST BURN THEM.

NO MORE PANTS THE HELL WITH

EVERYBODY.

♪ (MUSI

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