Nick DiPaolo - Road Food

Brett Butler & Nick Dipaolo Season 1, Ep 0137 02/24/1992 Views: 4,312

Beware the chef getting a bikini wax. (2:04)

YOU LIVE IN FAST FOOD PLACES--SUB SHOPS AND DELIS.

AND I LOVE THAT FOOD, FOLKS

BUT WHERE DO THEYHIRE THE PEOPLE

THAT WORK IN THESE PLACES?

HOW LONG SHOULD IT TAKETO GET A SANDWICH?

HOW COME THEY ALWAYS GETTHAT TRAINEE

WHO COMES OUT FROM THE BACK ROOMWITH A PLUNGER IN HIS HAND?

"OH, YEAH, THE TOILETS ARE DONE,WHAT NEXT, BOSS?"

THE MANAGER GOES,"MAKE THAT GUY A SANDWICH."

KID LOOKS AT ME,"CAN I HELP YOU?"

"YEAH, YOU CAN STARTBY BOILING YOUR HANDS.

"I REALLY DON'T CAREFOR THE RHINOVIRUS IN MY TUNA.

I'M KIND OF A FUSSY... THANKS."

THIS KID SAYS TO ME TODAY,"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

I SAID, "I'LL HAVEA TUNA FISH SANDWICH."

AND THE KID ASKS ME

"WOULD YOU LIKE MAYONNAISEMIXED IN WITH THAT?"

"UH, NO, THAT WOULDMAKE THE SANDWICH

MUCH TOO MOIST AND DELICIOUS."

( laughter )

"DON'T YOU HAVE ANY ROAD SALTOR BROKEN GLASS

YOU COULD THROWIN THERE, GENIUS?"

THE KID SAYS TO ME,"IS THIS FOR HERE OR TO GO?"

AND THERE'S NO TABLESAND CHAIRS IN THE PLACE.

"OH, I'LL JUST LAY ON THE FLOORAND EAT IT, THANKS.

"ACTUALLY, I GOT SOME PATIOFURNITURE IN THE TRUNK.

"LET ME GET THE UMBRELLA OUT.

WE'LL START THE CAFERIGHT HERE."

I LIVE ON THE ROAD;I LIVE IN RESTAURANTS.

I HAVE THE WORST LUCK.

I ALWAYS GET THE DIRTYSILVERWARE IN A RESTAURANT.

I ALWAYS GET THAT BUTTER KNIFE

LOOKS LIKE IT WAS USEDIN A HOMICIDE THAT AFTERNOON.

IT'S GOT DRIED BLOODAND HAIR ON IT.

I'M TRYING TO FINISH MY MEAL

AND QUINCY'S ROPING OFFTHE NON-SMOKING SECTION.

WHAT'S WITH THE HAIRON THE FOOD, FOLKS?

EVERYWHERE I GO,I GET HAIR ON MY FOOD.

I WENT TO A RESTAURANTLAST WEEK

TWO HAIRS IN MY SOUP,TWO IN MY LETTUCE.

THE WAITRESS COMES OUT,"CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING ELSE?"

"YEAH, HOW ABOUT A COMBFOR THE SALAD?

"WHAT'S THE HOUSE DRESSING,MINOXIDIL?

"I ORDERED ROMAINE, NOT ROGAINE,TAKE THIS BACK, WILL YOU?

"WHERE'S THE HEAD CHEF FROM,CHERNOBYL?

PUT A HAT ON HIM,FOR CHRIST'S SAKE."

THEY'RE DOING BIKINI WAXINGIN THE KITCHEN.

( imitates motor )

"OH, RIGHT IN THE SOUP.

"OH, THEY CAN'T SEE IT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, BILL."