Kathleen Madigan - Kids

Rick Overton & Kathleen Madigan Season 1, Ep 0104 02/24/1992 Views: 5,001

Living with kids is like living with homeless people. (2:17)

I'VE HAD SO MANY ACCIDENTS

THAT I ALREADY KNOWWHAT THE POLICE ARE GOING TO ASK

BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYSTHE SAME FIRST QUESTION:

"WELL, MISS MADIGAN,WHERE WERE YOU HEADED

AT THE TIME OF THE ACCIDENT?"

"WELL, OFFICER,PRETTY MUCH INTO HIS TRUNK."

( laughter )

WHAT DOES IT MATTERWHERE I WAS HEADED

I DIDN'T GET THERE, DID I?

NO!

I WOULD HAVE DRIVEN AROUNDWITH MY HUSBAND

BUT I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.

I'M VERY SINGLE.

I'D LIKE TO GET MARRIED, THOUGH

BECAUSE I WOULD LIKETO HAVE KIDS.

I GET THOSE MATERNAL FEELINGS

LIKE WHEN I'M LAYINGON THE COUCH

AND I CAN'T REACHTHE REMOTE CONTROL...

( scattered laughter )

I THINK, BOY,A KID WOULD BE NICE RIGHT NOW.

( scattered laughter )

KIDS ARE CUTE, KIDS ARE FUN

BUT THEY'RE KIND OF LIKELIVING WITH HOMELESS PEOPLE.

THEY CHASE YOU ROUNDTHE HOUSE ALL DAY GOING

"HEY, CAN I HAVE A DOLLAR?

( laughter )

"I'M HUNGRY.

I NEED A RIDE."

( laughter )

GOT TO HAVE KIDS SOON.

I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME,ACCORDING TO COSMOPOLITAN.

I READ COSMOPOLITAN NOWBECAUSE I QUIT BUYING PERFUME.

NOW I JUST ROLL AROUNDIN MY MAGAZINES

BEFORE I LEAVE THE HOUSE.

IT'S THE ONLY REASON TO BUY.

THEY HAVE TERRIBLE ADVICE.

ONE WOMAN WROTE IN,SAID SHE WANTED TO MEET PEOPLE

AND MAKE EXTRA MONEY.

THEY TOLD HER TO WAIT TABLES.

I WAITED TABLES FOR A WHILE.

I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE PATIENCE.

YOU'D ASK PEOPLESIMPLE QUESTIONS

AND THEY COULDN'T ANSWER THEM:

"SIR, WHAT KIND OF DRESSINGWOULD YOU LIKE ON YOUR SALAD?"

"WELL, WHAT KIND DO YOU HAVE?"

"WELL, WE HAVE FRENCH, RANCH,ITALIAN AND THOUSAND ISLAND."

"WELL, DO YOU HAVEHONEY MUSTARD?"

LIKE, "DID YOU HEAR ME SAYHONEY MUSTARD?"

( laughter )

"NO, SIR, I'M ONLYTELLING CERTAIN TABLES

ABOUT CERTAIN DRESSINGS TODAY."

( laughter )

TERRIBLE ADVICE.

THEY ACTUALLY SAID TO--

THIS WAS COSMOPOLITAN.

THEY SAID, UH, "OH, LOOKINGFOR MR. AND MRS. RIGHT?

"TIRED OF THE BARS?

TRY THE LAUNDROMAT."

YOU THINK I WANT TO BE 30AND DATING A GUY

WHO CAN'T AFFORD A DRYER?