Patton Oswalt - Easter Eggs

  • Season 2 , Ep 12
  • 09/03/1999
  • Views: 8,674

Brown eggs? That's our little prodigy. (3:24)

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE REALIZED?

YOU CAN GROW OLD TWO WAYS.

YOU CAN EITHER GROW OLDIN WHICH YOU HATE EVERYTHING

AND YOU JUST... "YOU KIDSWITH YOUR ROBOT SERVANTS"

OR YOU CAN GROW OLD LIKE ME

IN WHICH YOU LOSE YOUR LOVE ANDHATRED OF EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW?

MY SCALE OF LOVE AND HATREDUSED TO GO

FROM "OH, YEAH, REALLY?! WHOO!"

TO, "OH, NO WAY! OH, GET... NO!"

NOW, THE SCALE GOES...

HERE'S MY SCALE. READY?

( low-key ):"AH, THAT'S... MM-HMM..."

TO...

( really low-key ):"AH, WELL... HUH."

YEAH! I DON'T KNOW.

( cheering and applause )

YEAH, OKAY. THAT'S RIGHT.

SO, UH...

REMEMBER WHENYOU WERE GROWING UP

AND YOU WANTED TO COLOR EGGSFOR EASTER?

WHERE DID YOU GO?

THERE WAS ONLY ONE GAMEIN TOWN-- PAAS.

YOU WENT TO PAASOR YOU WENT TO HELL.

REMEMBER THAT?THAT WAS ON THE BOX, AND, UM...

'CAUSE THEY HAD THE MONOPOLY.THEY COULD SAY THAT.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU GOT THE KIT?WHAT DID YOU GET?

YOU GOT THE LITTLE COLORTABLETS. REMEMBER THOSE?

AND YOU PUT THEM IN THE WATER

AND THE WATER WOULD SMELLLIKE A VINEGAR FART

AND THEN YOU WOULD TAKE THE EGGAND PUT THE EGG

IN THE LITTLE WIRE SEAT.

REMEMBER THAT?THAT LITTLE TORTURE SEAT.

"LOWER YOU TO YOUR DOOM.

SCREAM ALL YOU WANT."

OR LIKE ME, YOU'D PUTALL THE TABLETS INTO ONE GLASS

AND THATWOULD TURN THE EGGS BROWN.

"OH, CAN'T GET BROWN EGGS,PATTON.

THAT'S OUR LITTLE PRODIGY."

THEN, UM, YOU COULD PUNCH OUTTHE BACK OF THE BOX--

REMEMBER THAT?--AND MAKE A LITTLE EGG HOLDER.

AH, REMEMBER THAT?

BUT LIKE ME, YOU WOULDN'T WAITFOR THE EGGS TO DRY

AND THEN THE BOX WOULD DISSOLVE

AND YOUR DADWOULD START DRINKING.

THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THATTHAT IS ALL THE KIT CAME WITH.

BUT THEN, REMEMBER IN THE '70s

ALL THOSE UPSTART COMPANIESCAME ALONG

TRYING TO UNSEATTHE PAAS DYNASTY?

THERE WAS "SHAKE AN EGG."REMEMBER SHAKE AN EGG?

YOU PUT THE EGG IN THE BAGWITH THE GLITTER

AND IT CAME OUTLOOKING ALL GLAM-ROCKY

LIKE IT FELL OUTOF DAVID BOWIE'S ASS.

"HEY, LOOK, HAPPY EASTER.

BANG A GONG, EVERYBODY."

AND THEN RONCO CAME OUT WITHTHAT WEIRD INQUISITION CLAMP.

REMEMBER THAT?

YOU'D PUT THE EGG IN THE CLAMP,AND THEN YOU PUT

THE MAGIC MARKERIN THE CLAMP HERE

AND THEN YOU'D TURN THE EGG...

OH...

"OH, A LINE...THERE'S A LINE ON THE EGG.

IT'S 4:00 O'CLOCKIN THE MORNING."

( applause )

I WENT BACKIN THE DRUGSTORE RECENTLY

LOOKING FOR EGG-COLORING KITS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE COMPANYSTANDING--

PAAS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

PAAS.

( cheering )

AND WHEN YOU GET THE KIT...

YOU BUY THAT KIT,YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GET?

YOU GET FIVE COLOR TABLETS,A LITTLE WIRE THING...

THEY DIDN'T CHANGE A THING!

WHAT CHROME-PLATED BALLSON THOSE GUYS.

THEY DIDN'T...

I JUST IMAGINE THEIR FOUNDER,SOME GUY NAMED HENRY PAAS GOING

"LET 'EM GOTO THEIR LITTLE SHAKE AN EGG

"AND THEIR RONCO THINGS.

"THEY'LL COME CRAWLING BACK.

"WE'RE PAAS.

"MY FATHER STARTED THIS COMPANYWITH ONE COLOR TABLET

"AND IT WAS WHITE,AND WE WERE THANKFUL.

"PAAS.

"HAPPY EASTERAND BITE MY WRINKLY ( bleep ).

PUT THAT ON THE BOX."

CAN WE SAY"BITE MY WRINKLY ( bleep )"?

I GUESS WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT.

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