Tracy Smith - No Children

  • Season 7 , Ep 26
  • 08/21/2003
  • Views: 5,564

Teenagers are major bummers. (2:06)

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT KIDS, EITHER.

MAYBE A FOSTER CHILD, THAT'D BE

COOL.

WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE

MARRIED, AND YOU COULD SEND IT

BACK WHEN IT'S NOT FUN ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, COME ON.

I MEAN, KIDS ARE GREAT

AND EVERYTHING.

BUT DON'T TEENAGERS JUST GIVE

YOU THE CREEPS?

THEY'RE JUST SO BLOODY SAD

ALL THE TIME.

YOU JUST WANNA TELL úEM,

"LOOK, GO TO YOUR ROOM,

AND DON'T COME BACK úTIL YOU'RE

OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK...

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE YOU ARE BUMMING ME OUT.

YOU ARE SPOILING COCKTAIL HOUR

FOR AUNTIE TRACY.

[LAUGHTER]

MY LITTLE SISTER'S ONLY

30 YEARS OLD AND HAS FOUR KIDS

ALREADY.

I SPENT TEN MINUTES WITH THOSE

FOUR KIDS AND MY OVARIES

TIED THEMSELVES IN A KNOT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE ASKED ME TO TAKE CARE OF úEM

FOR A WEEK...

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S A

GOVERNMENT PROGRAM.

IT'S CALLED "SCARED STERILE."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I WANTED TO DO IT 'CAUSE

I'M COMPETITIVE LIKE THAT.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE GOOD

AT IT.

THOUGHT THAT BY THE END

OF THE WEEK, I'D HAVE THOSE

LITTLE BASTARDS IN UNIFORM,

SINGING EDELWEISS.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH

(BLEEP) LAUNDRY IN MY LIFE!

AND YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING

STUFF SINGLE GIRLS NEVER SAY.

LIKE, "STOP LICKING THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY BROTHER HAS TWO DAUGHTERS.

DISAPPOINTED HE DOESN'T HAVE

A SON TO CARRY ON HIS NAME.

I SAID, "JERRY, OUR NAME IS

"SMITH."

WAKE THE HELL UP!"

[LAUGHTER]

OUR NAME'S BEING CARRIED ON

IN HOTEL ROOMS ALL OVER THE

COUNTRY.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY TIME ONE OF MY SISTERS

GETS PREGNANT, THEY GOTTA

CALL ME UP IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE NIGHT.

"TRACY, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE

I ACTUALLY HAVE A PERSON

INSIDE OF ME."

I SAID, "SO DO I.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

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