JIMMY PARDO>> THE GENIUS THAT
I WAS, I DECIDED TO PULL THIS
HAIRCUTTING STUNT, 20 MINUTES
BEFORE I HAD TO MEET MY GIRL
FRIENDS FAMILY FOR THE FIRST
TIME.
YEAH, A LITTLE TOUGH TO,
"HEY MOM, DAD, THIS IS JIMMY."
"HI.
I'M A CIRCUS FREAK."
SO, I NOW HAD TO GO TO SUPER
CUTS AND SPEND THE 12 BUCKS
I SHOULD OF IN THE FIRST PLACE.
SO, IF YOU'RE DOING YOUR MATH.
AND I'M GUESSING SOME OF YOU
FOLKS ARE.
I'M NOW DOWN $27 IN THIS
BRILLIANT MONEY SAVING SCHEME
OF MINE.
SO, I PUT A BALD CAP ON.
I GO TO--
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF HAT
THAT WOULD THERE BE BY THE WAY--
LOOK AT THAT CRAZY GESTURE FOR
NO REASON.
PUTTING ON A SOMBRERO?
HOW BIG IS THIS HAT?
MAYBE IT IS.
I'M GETTING A NEW HAIRCUT.
IT'S A FESTIVE DAY.
OLE!
BIG CRAZY HAT.
I'M PLAYING TO THE BALCONY.
IF I JUST GO A LITTLE HAT,
"WHAT'S HE SCRATCHING HIS HEAD?"
"NO, HAT."
I GO BIG CRAZY.
ANYHOW, I PUT A HAT ON.
I GO TO THE SUPER CUTS, I WALK
IN, BELL GOES OFF ON THE DOOR.
EVERYBODY SITTING THERE LOOKS UP
FROM THEIR OUT OF DATE MAGAZINE.
AND I'VE BEEN THAT GUY.
I KNOW PEOPLE ARE JUST THINKING.
"HEY, LOOK.
NEW GUY WALKED IN."
I KNOW THAT.
BUT THAT DAY, IN MY HEAD,
I THINK EVERYBODY IS GOING,
"AH, LOOK AT THAT.
THE (BLEEP) TRIED TO CUT HIS OWN
HAIR."
(LAUGHTER)
I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHY I'M A
(BLEEP) IN THIS STORY BUT ALL
RIGHT.
SEEMS A LITTLE HARSH.
STORY ABOUT ME, YOU THINK I'D GO
A LITTLE EASIER ON MYSELF.
WHAT DID I EVER DO TO ME?!
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S FINALLY MY TURN TO GET
MY HAIR CUT.
THE WOMAN ASKS, "HOW CAN I HELP
YOU?"
I SAY, "WELL, A BUDDY'S
GIRLFRIEND TRIED TO CUT
MY HAIR."
HEY, I'M NOT TAKING THE FALL FOR
THIS.
IF I'M GOING DOWN, SOMEBODY WHO
DOESN'T EXIST IS GOING DOWN WITH
ME.
WOMAN SAYS, "IT SHOULDN'T BE
A PROBLEM.
TAKE OFF YOUR HAT.
I CAN FIX IT."
I TAKE IT OFF.
SHE LOOKS AT MY HAIR, HONEST
TO CHRIST SHE GOES, "EEWWW!"
(LAUGHTER)
NOW, THE WOMAN CUTTING MY HAIR--
LET ME WALK THROUGH THIS LADY
NOW.
THE WOMAN CUTTING MY HAIR--
I DON'T WANT TO SAY THE WRONG
THING WITH A ROOM DIVIDED BY
TENSION AS IT IS.
THE WOMAN CUTTING MY HAIR, HOW
DO I SAY, AH, SHE HAD BIG BOOBS.
THERE I SAID IT.
THE WOMAN CUTTING MY HAIR HAD
THE BIGGEST BREASTS I HAVE EVER
SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
AND I MEAN HUGE.
DOUBLE-D.
DANNY DEVITOS.
THESE BABIES ARE BIG.
(LAUGHTER)
BIG HUGE DAVID DUCHOVNY'S,
DENNIS DEYOUNG'S, LOOK OUT
THEY'RE COMING AT YOU.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I BRING THIS UP FOR A REASON.
EVERY TIME SHE WOULD LEAN OVER
TO CUT MY HAIR, WAIT FOR IT.
EVERY TIME SHE WOULD LEAN OVER
TO CUT MY HAIR, THEY WOULD HIT
MY ARM.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN
THAT HAPPENS.
I PANIC.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I'M GETTING
MY HAIRCUT, RIGHT?
SO, I'M UNDERNEATH THAT
HAIRCUTTING CAPE AND THAT
LOCK DOWNED POSITION.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
(LAUGHTER)
I'M CLAMPED DOWN AND IT'S 10
MINUTES OF SNIP, TITTY, SNIP,
TITTY, SNIP, TITTY, SNIP, TITTY,
SNIP.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
DO I MOVE MY ARM?
DO I TELL HER ABOUT IT?
OR DO I SAY, "HOW DO YOU DO"
AND TAG HER IN THE CAN?
I NEVER...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
EITHER WAY, HAIRCUT'S OVER.