Daniel Tosh - Bumper Stickers & Texting While Driving

Season 1, 04/17/2016 Views: 8,486

Daniel Tosh shares his hatred of bumper stickers and lists the perfectly legal things people can do while driving that are even more dangerous than texting. (2:28)

Don't put stickerson your car.

Despite what you thinkthey say,

know they read,"I'm poor."

No one careswho you cheer for

or what you believe in.

Just drive a little faster.

And God forbidif you lost a loved one

and you think the best wayto memorialize him

is by turningyour Honda Civic

into a moving tribute.


Because the only thingthat makes me want to do

is T-bone you

so you and Junebugcan finally be together again.

Like my morning commuteisn't depressing enough?

Now I'm stuck behind youand your word problem,

trying to figure outhow old this shithead was

in the first place.

There's not enoughinformation.

I got to pull upnext to you.

"Was he a Geminiby chance?

"15, too soon.

Speed it up.Some of us aren't dead."

Don't text and drive.It's the law.

Yeah, way to fast-trackthe big issues in this country.

Do you know whatyou are allowed to do?

Write a letter longhandwhile driving.

Completely legal.

I would argue just as dangerous,if not more.

Do I have to be a martyrfor this issue?

I'll do it.

Get on the freeway,like, "Dear Grandma,

It's been a while."

"Winter is coming."

Have you seen the campaignto stop texting and driving

where they show youreal final texts?

"Be right..."

They're like,"Was it worth it?"

I don't know.

Were you trying to get laidat 3:00 in the morning?

I'm not gonna judge you.Maybe it was.

Maybe you finally had sexwith that one person

you've been chasingyour entire life

and you can't waitto text your buddy.

"You're never gonna believewho I..."

and then boom.

Congratulations.You went out on top.

Yeah, I promise youlife wasn't gonna get better

after that moment.

Best-case scenario,six months from now,

you're sending her texts.

"Yeah, Thai food's fine.Whatever."

You can't text and drive,but you can have

a three-course Taco Bell mealin your lap

at 2:00 in the morning?

Everyone knowsyou're drunk as shit.

You ought to be arrestedas soon as you place the order.

[cheers and applause]