Don't put stickerson your car.
Despite what you thinkthey say,
know they read,"I'm poor."
No one careswho you cheer for
or what you believe in.
Just drive a little faster.
And God forbidif you lost a loved one
and you think the best wayto memorialize him
is by turningyour Honda Civic
into a moving tribute.
Because the only thingthat makes me want to do
is T-bone you
so you and Junebugcan finally be together again.
Like my morning commuteisn't depressing enough?
Now I'm stuck behind youand your word problem,
trying to figure outhow old this shithead was
in the first place.
There's not enoughinformation.
I got to pull upnext to you.
"Was he a Geminiby chance?
"15, too soon.
Speed it up.Some of us aren't dead."
Don't text and drive.It's the law.
Yeah, way to fast-trackthe big issues in this country.
Do you know whatyou are allowed to do?
Write a letter longhandwhile driving.
I would argue just as dangerous,if not more.
Do I have to be a martyrfor this issue?
I'll do it.
Get on the freeway,like, "Dear Grandma,
It's been a while."
"Winter is coming."
Have you seen the campaignto stop texting and driving
where they show youreal final texts?
They're like,"Was it worth it?"
I don't know.
Were you trying to get laidat 3:00 in the morning?
I'm not gonna judge you.Maybe it was.
Maybe you finally had sexwith that one person
you've been chasingyour entire life
and you can't waitto text your buddy.
"You're never gonna believewho I..."
and then boom.
Congratulations.You went out on top.
Yeah, I promise youlife wasn't gonna get better
after that moment.
Best-case scenario,six months from now,
you're sending her texts.
"Yeah, Thai food's fine.Whatever."
You can't text and drive,but you can have
a three-course Taco Bell mealin your lap
at 2:00 in the morning?
Everyone knowsyou're drunk as shit.
You ought to be arrestedas soon as you place the order.
[cheers and applause]