Chris Hardwick - The Nerdly Arts

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 02/05/2010
  • Views: 50,741

A leather racing seat for your Xbox 360 will make a vagina swivel on its axis and run away. (3:16)

I ATTENDEDALL-BOYS CATHOLIC SCHOOL.

I MEAN FOR HIGH SCHOOL,NOT RECENTLY, THAT'D BE WEIRD.

AND ALL-BOYS CATHOLIC SCHOOLIS A LOT LIKE GOING

TO A REGULAR SCHOOLEXCEPT YOUR TEACHER IS A PRIEST.

WITH BENEFITS!

OHH...WHAT?

OH, DAMN.

(laughter)

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID IT.

NO, I'M KIDDING.

I WAS NEVER TOUCHEDBY ANY PRIEST IN SCHOOL.

WHICH MAKES ME THINK,AM I NOT ATTRACTIVE?

WHAT THE...

USUALLY THEY ARE GIVINGTHAT...AWAY.

UM, I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS,OR "CRY PODS," AS I CALL THEM.

(laughter)

I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS.

I--I FEEL LIKE I REALLYHAVE TO START THINKING SERIOUSLY

ABOUT HAVING KIDSIF I'M GONNA DO IT

'CAUSE I'M 37 YEARS OLD,AND IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

KIDS WHO ARE THE PRODUCTOF OLD SPERM ARE NOT RIGHT.

THEY'RE OFF,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE,THEY'RE A LITTLE OFF.

THE FRESHER THE MAYO,THE BETTER THE SANDWICH.

THAT'S A VERY SIMPLE FORMULATHAT WE SHOULD ADHERE TO.

AND YOU KNOW--YOU KNOWWHO THE OLD-SPERM KIDS ARE

IN GRADE SCHOOL.

LIKE, YOUNG-SPERM KIDS RUNALL STRONG FROM THEIR CORE.

OLD-SPERM KIDS--IT'S ALL LIMBS.

LIKE, THEY CAN'T--JUST CAN'T MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I AM INTO THE NERDLY ARTS,

I LOVE TECHNOLOGY.

I REVIEW GADGETSAND WHATNOT FOR TELEVISION,

MAGAZINES AND STUFF.

AND I RECENTLY REVIEWEDTHE NERDIEST THING

I HAVE EVER SEEN BEFOREIN MY LIFE, YOU GUYS.

IT WAS LIKE A FULL-ON LEATHERFERRARI RACING SEAT

WITH LIKE ARMRESTSAND HEADRESTS AND PEDALS

FOR YOUR XBOX 360!

BEEP-BEEP!OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

THEY MIGHT AS WELL CALL THATTHE VIRGINITY HARNESS

BECAUSE...(laughter)

YOU WILL NEVER BE INSIDEA WOMAN

IF SHE SEES THATIN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

YOU COULD TRY TO HAVE SEXWITH HER,

BUT HER BODY WILL LITERALLYREJECT YOU.

IT'LL BE LIKE TRYING TO FEEDA FIDGETY TODDLER, LIKE,

MM-HMM, NOPE,NOT GOING IN THERE.

MNH-MNH...

(grunts, spits)

(laughter)

IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEEA VAGINA SWIVEL ON ITS AXIS,

THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT.

(laughter)

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE NERDS LIKE THINGSTHAT MAKE VAGINAS GO AWAY.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

NOW I'VE INCURREDTHE WRATH OF NERDS,

NERDS ARE GONNA RUN UP TO MEON THE STREET

BECAUSE OF THAT LAST STATEMENT.

"TECHNICALLY,THE PLURAL OF...

(laughter)

VAGINA IS VAGINAE, AHH!"

(laughter)

THEN HE'LL SCAMPER OFFINTO A CREVICE AND SHIVER

BECAUSE NERDS DON'T FIGHT.

IT'S JUST PARTOF THE NERD PACKAGE.

NERDS DON'T FIGHT.

IF THERE WEREA NERD FIGHT ANTHEM,

I THINK IT WOULD GOLIKE THIS--

♪ NERD FIGHT,THERE'S NO PHYSICAL CONTACT ♪

♪ NERD FIGHT,INTERNALIZE EMOTIONS ♪

♪ AND GO HOME AND MASTURBATEOUT OF ANGER ♪

(laughter)

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