Jimmy Shubert - Predatory Culture

  • Season 8 , Ep 8
  • 02/19/2004
  • Views: 2,869

Don't kill people when you get fired. (2:31)

GETS ME?

I LOVE THE PEOPLE WHO CARE MORE

ABOUT NEUTERIN' STRAY CATS

THAN THEY CARE ABOUT HOMELESS

AMERICAN VETERANS.

I LOVE THOSE PEOPLE.

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

WHEN WHAT THEY SHOULD BE DOIN'

IS NEUTERIN' THE HOMELESS

AMERICAN VETERAN BECAUSE THEY

ARE MUCH EASIER TO CATCH.

[LAUGHTER]

I READ A STATISTIC THAT REALLY

BOTHERED ME.

YOU KNOW THERE'S THREE TIMES

AS MANY ANIMAL SHELTERS IN THIS

COUNTRY THAN THERE ARE SHELTERS

FOR WOMEN OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

THREE TIMES AS MANY!

I'M JUST SAYIN', NEXT TIME YOU

GET ANGRY FELLAS, KICK THE CAT!

PUNCH THE DOG!

SMACK THE CANARY AROUND!

THERE'S PLENTY MORE FACILITIES

FOR THE ANIMALS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M JOKIN'!

IT'S A COMEDY SHOW.

I'M JUST MAKIN' MY POINT WHEN

PEOPLE CARE MORE ABOUT ANIMALS

THAN THEY DO OTHER PEOPLE!

WE'VE BECOME A VERY PREDATORY

CULTURE.

NOBODY CARES ABOUT ANYBODY

ANYMORE.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T EVEN

FIRE PEOPLE TODAY.

YOU FIRE 'EM THEY COME BACK

AND FIRE AT YOU!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU LET 'EM GO.

THEY COME BACK WITH AN ARSENAL

THAT WOULD CHARLTON HESTON

JEALOUS.

AND THEY SHOOT EVERYBODY THAT

DIDN'T SAY HI THAT ONE TUESDAY

BACK IN 1999.

WIPE OUT HALF YOUR WORKFORCE.

WELL, YOU DON'T KILL PEOPLE

WHEN YOU GET FIRED!

YOU STEAL STUFF!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU TAKE STAPLES, NOT LIVES!

YOU GRAB ALL THE MANILA

ENVELOPES YOU CAN CARRY AND YOU

WALK OUT WITH YOUR HEAD HELD

HIGH.

"I DIDN'T NEED THIS JOB ANYWAY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IT'S NOT SETTIN' A GOOD

EXAMPLE!

EVEN IN SCHOOLS.

IF I GOTTA WATCH ANOTHER STORY

ON CNN ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL KIDS

KILLING OTHER HIGH SCHOOL KIDS,

I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY!

[LAUGHTER]

I WOULDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE IN

SCHOOL TODAY 'CAUSE YOU GOTTA BE

GOOD AT MATH.

I SUCKED AT MATH.

BUT IF YOU'RE IN SCHOOL TODAY,

OH YOU BETTER BE GOOD AT MATH

'CAUSE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON

GETTIN' THE EQUATION RIGHT.

SO LITTLE JOHNNY COMES IN THE

CAFETERIA WITH AN AK-47 THAT

HOLDS 17 SHOTS, AND HE'S ALREADY

SQUEEZED OFF SIX ROUNDS AND

INJURED FOUR PEOPLE.

AND I'M 15 FEET FROM THE EXIT

DOOR, HOW FAST DO I HAVE TO RUN

BEFORE LITTLE JOHNNY PICKS ME

UP, AND PUMPS OFF A COUPLE SHOTS

IN MY DIRECTION?

[CHEERS, WHISTLE & APPLAUSE]

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