GETS ME?
I LOVE THE PEOPLE WHO CARE MORE
ABOUT NEUTERIN' STRAY CATS
THAN THEY CARE ABOUT HOMELESS
AMERICAN VETERANS.
I LOVE THOSE PEOPLE.
[APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
WHEN WHAT THEY SHOULD BE DOIN'
IS NEUTERIN' THE HOMELESS
AMERICAN VETERAN BECAUSE THEY
ARE MUCH EASIER TO CATCH.
[LAUGHTER]
I READ A STATISTIC THAT REALLY
BOTHERED ME.
YOU KNOW THERE'S THREE TIMES
AS MANY ANIMAL SHELTERS IN THIS
COUNTRY THAN THERE ARE SHELTERS
FOR WOMEN OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
THREE TIMES AS MANY!
I'M JUST SAYIN', NEXT TIME YOU
GET ANGRY FELLAS, KICK THE CAT!
PUNCH THE DOG!
SMACK THE CANARY AROUND!
THERE'S PLENTY MORE FACILITIES
FOR THE ANIMALS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I'M JOKIN'!
IT'S A COMEDY SHOW.
I'M JUST MAKIN' MY POINT WHEN
PEOPLE CARE MORE ABOUT ANIMALS
THAN THEY DO OTHER PEOPLE!
WE'VE BECOME A VERY PREDATORY
CULTURE.
NOBODY CARES ABOUT ANYBODY
ANYMORE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T EVEN
FIRE PEOPLE TODAY.
YOU FIRE 'EM THEY COME BACK
AND FIRE AT YOU!
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU LET 'EM GO.
THEY COME BACK WITH AN ARSENAL
THAT WOULD CHARLTON HESTON
JEALOUS.
AND THEY SHOOT EVERYBODY THAT
DIDN'T SAY HI THAT ONE TUESDAY
BACK IN 1999.
WIPE OUT HALF YOUR WORKFORCE.
WELL, YOU DON'T KILL PEOPLE
WHEN YOU GET FIRED!
YOU STEAL STUFF!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YOU TAKE STAPLES, NOT LIVES!
YOU GRAB ALL THE MANILA
ENVELOPES YOU CAN CARRY AND YOU
WALK OUT WITH YOUR HEAD HELD
HIGH.
"I DIDN'T NEED THIS JOB ANYWAY!"
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND IT'S NOT SETTIN' A GOOD
EXAMPLE!
EVEN IN SCHOOLS.
IF I GOTTA WATCH ANOTHER STORY
ON CNN ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL KIDS
KILLING OTHER HIGH SCHOOL KIDS,
I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY!
[LAUGHTER]
I WOULDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE IN
SCHOOL TODAY 'CAUSE YOU GOTTA BE
GOOD AT MATH.
I SUCKED AT MATH.
BUT IF YOU'RE IN SCHOOL TODAY,
OH YOU BETTER BE GOOD AT MATH
'CAUSE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON
GETTIN' THE EQUATION RIGHT.
SO LITTLE JOHNNY COMES IN THE
CAFETERIA WITH AN AK-47 THAT
HOLDS 17 SHOTS, AND HE'S ALREADY
SQUEEZED OFF SIX ROUNDS AND
INJURED FOUR PEOPLE.
AND I'M 15 FEET FROM THE EXIT
DOOR, HOW FAST DO I HAVE TO RUN
BEFORE LITTLE JOHNNY PICKS ME
UP, AND PUMPS OFF A COUPLE SHOTS
IN MY DIRECTION?
[CHEERS, WHISTLE & APPLAUSE]