Tony Roberts - Same Person

Season 1 , Ep 1 07/11/10 Views: 10,653

Tony Roberts wonders why you never see Danny Glover and Wendy Williams together. (2:48)

YOU WATCH THE NEWS?

BAD NEWS.LEAVE NEWS ALONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S OUT THERE.

MY BOY CALLED ME,TALKING ABOUT, "I GOT H1N1."

I SAID,"YOU GOT THE NEW HUMMER?

COME GET ME."[imitates engine revving]

H1N1.

I AIN'T SEENTHE COMMERCIAL FOR THIS.

THAT SOUNDLIKE A HUMMER, DON'T IT?

H1N1.

I THINK WENDY WILLIAMSAND DANNY GLOVER

ARE THE SAME PERSON.

[laughter]

IT'S GOT TO BE.

YOU'LL NEVER SEE THEMTOGETHER.

AND SHE GOT THAT LOOK.YOU SEE THAT LOOK?

SHE GONNA HAVEA LETHAL WEAPON FLASHBACK

ON HER SHOW.

HOW YOU DOING?

RIGGS![imitates gunshots]

HOW YOU DOING?

RIGGS![imitates gunshots]

I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS.

HOW YOU DOING?

YOU SEE HER JAW--

HOW STRONG IT IS?SHE CAN DRINK PEANUT BUTTER.

YOU KNOW HOW STRONG YOUR JAWGOT TO BE

TO DRINK PEANUT BUTTER?

[laughter]

YOU GOT TO--HOW CAN YOU DO THAT...

IF YOU NOT DANNY GLOVER?

[applause]

WOMEN, KEEP YOUR HOUSETOGETHER.

I HAD SEX WITH A GIRL.

HER HOUSE SO NASTY,

I HAD TO HOLD MY CLOTHESWHILE WE HAD SEX.

SHE HAD ROACHES EVERYWHERE.

[laughter]

I'M TRYING TO DO HER.THEY'RE TRYING TO DO ME.

[laughing]

BLACK PEOPLE--WE DEAL WITH ROACHES.

WE GREW UPWITH ROACHES AND ANTS.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO--AND A MOUSE EVERY NOW AND THEN.

WHITE PEOPLE--Y'ALL GOT STUFFIN THE HOUSE FROM THE WOODS,

STUFF THAT AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BEIN THE HOUSE.

YOU SIT IN A WHITE PERSON'SHOUSE, CHILL OUT.

OH, I DIDN'T KNOWYOU HAD AARDVARKS!

[laughter]

WHAT THE HELL YOU DOINGWITH AARDVARKS?

AARDVARKS?

[laughing]

SHOULD'VE BROUGHT MY WATEROUT HERE.

I FEELLIKE I ATE A SWEATER.

THIS DON'T MAKENO DAMN SENSE.

TALKED TO MY GRANDMOTHER TODAY.SHE PREGNANT AGAIN.

THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

HOW YOU GET PREGNANT?YOU OLD--

MY GRANDMOTHER OLDERTHAN THE WORD "SUPPER."

YOU KNOWHOW OLD "SUPPER" IS?

IT--[laughing]

THAT BABY GONNA COME OUTSEVEN YEARS OLD,

IN THE SECOND GRADE ALREADY.

PUSH!OH, I GOT TO GO TO SCHOOL.

CAN YOU CUT THIS CORD,SO I CAN GET TO CLASS?

I NEED YOU TO CUTTHIS THING.

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