Rich Vos - Rats

Tough Crowd Stands Up with Colin Quinn Season 1, Ep 0101 12/08/2002 Views: 4,696

Rich hates rats and pit bulls. (1:42)

WHAT A WEIRD DAY TODAY.

I FELT CANADIAN TODAY.

I GUESS THE REASON WHY IS, AH,

BECAUSE LAST NIGHT A GOOD FRIEND

OF MINE GOT IN A FIGHT AND I

DIDN'T HELP HIM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY YOU GROANING, CANADA STINKS,

OKAY?

AND SO DOES FRANCE.

ANY FRENCH PEOPLE HERE?

FRANCE STINKS, OKAY?

THEY STINK.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THE FRENCH DIDN'T WANT TO HELP

US, OKAY?

I SAY WE GET EVEN WITH THEM,

WE CUT THE EAR OFF THE STATUE OF

LIBERTY AND MAIL IT TO THEM,

OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

SOME MORE BODY PARTS EVERY

FEW DAYS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I AM SO TIRED.

CAN YOU NOTICE?

CAN YOU TELL?

I DID NOT SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

AH, I HAD A MOUSE IN MY ROOM

LAST NIGHT, THIS BIG.

I COULD NOT GET OFF THE BED.

I WAS FROZEN.

THIS BIG.

[LAUGHTER]

I REACHED OVER, I GABBED

THE PHONE, I CALL THE 24-HOUR

RODENT PLACE.

I STARTED SCREAMING.

I GO "I GOT A MOUSE IN MY

HOUSE."

THEY GO, "WHO'S THIS,

DR. SEUSS?"

[LAUGHTER]

THE LADY SAID, "CALM DOWN,

THE MOUSE IS MORE SCARED OF YOU

THAN YOU ARE OF HIM."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?

I CAN'T GET OFF THE BED

AND HE'S IN THE KITCHEN MAKING

SANDWICHES, OKAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY BIGGEST FEAR IN THE WORLD

ARE RATS.

THEY'RE MY BIGGEST FEAR.

I HATE 'EM.

CAN YOU IMAGINE A RAT RUNNING UP

YOUR PANT LEG?

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

I HATE 'EM.

ALRIGHT?

AND I HATE PIT-BULLS.

I HATE 'EM.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN DOGS.

THEY'RE WEAPONS, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

I DREAD THE DAY I'M WALKING DOWN

THE STREET AND A PIT-BULL COMES

RUNNING AT ME WITH A RAT ON HIS

BACK.

GOING LIKE THAT.

THAT'S MY BIGGEST FEAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]