Louie Anderson - My Brother the Safecracker - Uncensored

The Law 11/11/2016 Views: 4,638

Louie Anderson's whole family has something to say when the FBI comes around looking for his safecracker of a brother. (13:06)

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- "I make the frostingfrom scratch."

Then she'd shootthat face at 'em.

"I'm practically insane."

[dark electronic music]

[people screaming]

- Good afternoon,ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you're all havinga wonderful day.

This is what's known asa robbery.

Do not move.Do not speak.


[cheers and applause]

Guy's absolutely hilarious.I watched him as a kid.

He fucking made melaugh my ass off.

When my dad came in the room,I had to change the channel,

because he was like,"What are you laughing about?"

I'm like, you'll neverunderstand, old man.

You'll never understand.

Ladies and gentlemen, you mightknow him from "Baskets."

Please give it up forMr. Louie Anderson, everybody.

- I'm from a family of 11, and--

I know.That's what people always say.

"Wow."Women always: "Wow."

And I'm not the first

celebrity in our house.

My brother, the safe-cracker...

He was the first celebrity,

'cause he was a really,you know,

pretty good safe-cracker.

So, anyways,when you're doing that,

when you have that kindof family member,

they become these kind of

celebrities in their own right,you know?

Like, my brother brought mea brand-new bike.

And I'd never had a bike.

And he'd come, and he'd givemy parents money.

We were super poor.

We were so poorthat I gave my mom

a coupon book for her birthday.

I'll wash the dishes.

I'll do the laundry.

I'll kill dad for you.

Louie, you wouldn't really killyour father, would you?

I would for you, Ma.

There's no expiration dateon the coupon.

And one day,I came home from school.

I thought it was all over with.My dad goes,

"There he is!

"Hit man Louie.

"You're gonna kill me,huh, Louie?

Here I am!"

I remember.I remember.

I was ten years old,something like that,

and the FBI came to our house.

And that's a weird thingright there.

You know, 'cause,the FBI...

You just don't thinkthey're gonna show up.

You just...

You just don't...

You never think--if somebody said,

"Tell me who you think'sgonna show up."

It's way down on the list.It's way...

After ATF. It's...


So, I was home.

Ten.You know.

That's how I talkedwhen I was ten.

What? What?

Shut up.

And you know, when you're 10in a family of 11,

you have--you're told to shut upall the time.

What are you guys doing?"Shut up!"

They do that fake movetoward you.


You have to learn not to flinch.

You have to go...

'Cause, I don't knowwhy this is,

but when you flinch,they get to punch you.

You realize they make up theserules, that's the...

That's why I can't movethis arm up any higher.

It's true.

So, the FBI comes to our house.


And I go downstairs,'cause I'm the door-answerer.

My dad--"Oh, God!

I got to put some pants on!"

He never had anythingbut boxers.

And a T-shirt.

He was ready for...summer?

They come, I go up there.



I'm not your son.

"We'd like to talkto your parents."

What about?


I'm not your son.

"Could you get your father?"


There's Mormons here!

They come--and then they go--

they say to him, "Sir?"


My dad: "Yeah?"

"We're the FBI."

"Is that so?



You got my letters, huh?"


'Cause he used to write letters

to the government all the time,

but my mom would usually

intercept them,or we would.

Here, Mom. Read this.Read...

"We'd like to come in."

"I'm sure you would.

I'm a Veteran, you know?"

"Well,thank you for your service."


What do you want?"

"We're here witha search warrant.

We...we're lookingfor your son."

"Well, he's not here."

Yeah.He's not here.

Why don't you leave him alone?

That was my whole stancefor the whole thing.

Why don't you leave him alone?

He didn't do it.

And then my mom comes outof the kitchen,

the sweetest personin the world.

You'd love her.

"What's going on here?Who's here?"

Then my dad goes,"It's G-men."

That's who my dad was."It's the G-men."

I'll never forget that.


And she goes, "What?"

"It's the FBI.They want to--

they're looking for your son."

It's her son now.

"Well, I haven't seen him.

"But come on in, boys.

Would you likea nice cup of coffee?"

My dad grumbles."Oh...[mumbling].

Why don't you ask 'emto stay over?"

"Well, maybe I will."

So my mom brings 'em in.

"Do you like Folgers?

It's good to the last drop."

So they come in.

My mom's very smart.

"Now this must bea terrible job, huh?

'Cause nobody's ever happyto see you, are they?"

"Well, not really, ma'am."

"Well, it must be terrible.

"Would you like a nice pieceof chocolate cake?

"It's Duncan Hines.

I make the frostingfrom scratch."

And she'd shoot that faceat 'em.

"I'm practically insane.

"That's my husband.

That's why."

So she cuts 'em the cake,

and it was the best cake--seriously.

She goes, "Can you guess what'sin the ingredients

to the frosting?"

Oh, God.

We're playing the Feud.

She--they go, "Well, chocolate?"

"Oh, that's right."


"And that's it, isn't it?"


"You know what I put in there?

"A tiny splash of Folgers.

"Tell your wives about it.

They'll love it."

So they're there.My brother's there.

My other brother's there.

My dad's in there.


He was a noisy dad.


[imitates loud sneeze]

"Well, we better get looking.

We'd like to execute the warrantright now."

They're gonna kill him!

"No, son."

I'm not your son.

And--and then, so,they start looking.

Now, this is the thingabout our house.

Like, my mom was a pack rat.

You know, a bad one.

Not a hoarder, though,'cause we had aisles.

"I'm coming down seven!"

Anyway, so they go tothe basement first.

And my mom is the best.

She goes,"When you're down there,

"if you find a saucerthat'll match this cup,

will you bring it up?"

I love you, Ma.

She was a lovely crazy.

So they're down there.

They're sweatingwhen they come up.

You know, like I am right now.

And they come up and,honestly, they're just like,

"Oh, God."

"Well, there's four morebedrooms to look through."

And they go, "Okay."

So there--we start going,

and I'm be--I'm right behind the FBI.

What do you get paid for this?

You make a lot of money?


You ever shoot anyone?

"I can't discuss that."

You did, then.

I'm not stupid.

You guys should take my dad.

He steals napkins.

That's what he used to do.

He'd come out of a restaurant,

and he'd go, "Ha, ha!"

Now, my brother's there.

He's upstairs.

We hid him.

In the hall closet.

Under abouta thousand pounds of clothes.

Anyway, so they get through,

they get to the closet.

The big closet.

There's a big, giant closetin the hall.

They open the doors.

He's not here!

You know, I'm ten.

I'm nervous now.

He's not here!

I'm telegraphingthe whole thing.

My brother is going...

[quietly]"Shut up, shut up."

They start poking aroundin there.

He didn't do it.I was with him.

We were fishing.

"At night?"

We were night fishing.

So they're going throughthe closet.

And you know,the clothes were up to there.

And you know whenyou dig through clothes,

there's something creepyabout it, don't you think?

When they're not your clothes,

there's somethingwhere you go...


You know,and they're moving it around.

The guys look at each otherand go...


"Let's go down and haveanother piece of that cake."

And they go downstairsand have cake and coffee.

And my mom's talking to 'em.

"Well, boys,how's your mother doing?"

She says to them.

"Oh, she's good."

"Tell her I said hi."

And they have anotherpiece of cake.

And my dad whispers tomy other brother...


That's all I could hear.

[whispering faintly]

[coughs loudly]

And then my brothergets in our Buick

and screeches out of there.

And of course, just reflex,

the FBI jump up, run out,

and get in their carand go after him.

And then my brotherthrows the clothes off

and comes down the stairsand goes out the back door,

and escapes.

And my mom goes,

"That cake is good, isn't it?"

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

And that's my family.

And my brother,the great thing is,

that my brotherturned his life around

and he started, you know,

teaching the police.

He started telling them,basically...

how dumb they were.

That's what he explained to me.

But I love my brother,I miss him,

and I dedicate this show to him.

Love you.

Thank you.