Kevin Brennan - Vegetarians

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 01/25/1999
  • Views: 2,172

Kevin went out with a vegetarian once. (1:55)

Woman:YEAH!

I WAS ON A DATEWITH A VEGETARIAN ONCE

AND I ORDEREDA CHICKEN SANDWICH.

THE WOMEN'S, LIKE,"YOU EAT MEAT?

"I CAN NEVER EATA LIVING THING.

"I'M A VEGETARIAN.

I SAID, "WELL,PLANTS ARE LIVING, TOO.

THEY'RE JUST EASIER TO CATCH."

YOU NEVER HAVE TO...

YOU NEVER HAVE TO SNEAK UPON CORN, DO YOU?

( Elmer Fudd voice ):BE VERY, VERY QUIET.

SO, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T SMOKE.

DOES ANYONE SMOKE AROUND HERE?

YOU SMOKE?LET ME SEE YOUR CIGARETTES.

YOU GOT CIGARETTES ON YOU?

YOU KNOW, THEY PUT, LIKE

THEY PUT THE MOSTSCREWED UP WARNINGS.

WHO SMOKES HERE?

Woman:SMOKE WEED!

"SMOKE WEED."

( laughter and applause )

FIRST OF ALL...

FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T GET HIGH,YOU KNOW

BUT I USED TO, YOU KNOW,WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I HAD THE WORST EXPERIENCE.

I GOT HIGH ONE TIMEIN HIGH SCHOOL.

THEN I HAD TO GOTO HISTORY CLASS.

I WAS ALL THIRSTY FROM THE POTAND PARANOID.

I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND.

I'M TRYING TO HIDE FROM THETEACHER; HE SEES ME HIDING.

HE'S, LIKE, "CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHYTHE SOUTH LOST THE CIVIL WAR?"

"'CAUSE THEY HAD COTTONMOUTH?"

HE'S, LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN,COTTONMOUTH?"

I'M, LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M NOT HIGH."

THEY SUSPENDED ME.

THEY GAVE ME A TWO-DAY HOLIDAYFOR BEING BAD.

WHAT DOES THAT TEACH YOU?

TO BE BAD.

AFTER THAT,I WOULD CALL UP SCHOOL.

"THIS IS BRENNAN;I'M CUTTING SCHOOL.

"YEAH, YOU GO TO HELL.

"I GET TWO MORE DAYS OFF, RIGHT?

"ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME TOMORROWAND NEXT THURSDAY.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY."

SO THEY HAVE CIGARETTES.

CIGARETTES ARE SO ADDICTIVE

THEY SAY RIGHT ON THE SIDEOF THE PACK.

"CIGARETTE SMOKE CONTAINSCARBON MONOXIDE."

WOULD YOU, LIKE, BUY OTHERPRODUCTS THAT HAD THIS ON IT?

LIKE, WOULD YOU BUY BALONEY,YOU KNOW?

YOU WALK IN AND THE GUY'S, LIKE

"THIS BALONEY'S GOTCARBON MONOXIDE."

YOU'RE, LIKE, "UH, GIVEME A QUARTER POUND."

YEAH, YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

THAT'S SOME CRAZY ( bleep ).

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