Jeff Garcia - Terrible Credit

  • Season 10 , Ep 23
  • 05/04/2006
  • Views: 20,443

Did you know 7/11 has credit? (4:15)

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

CALM DOWN, I MIGHT SUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

WHITE PEOPLE, IF YOU'RE HERE, DON'T LET MY NOSE FOOL YOU.

I'M MEXICAN NOT AFGHANISTAN. ALL RIGHT? RELAX, ALL RIGHT?

I'VE BEEN GETTIN' THAT A LOT LATELY. IT SUCKS DUDE.

WHEN I WAS A KID IT WAS COOL. I'D GO TO 7-ELEVEN

TRY TO BUY A BEER THE GUY WOULD BE LIKE,

[INDIAN ACCENT] "HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

- [INDIAN ACCENT] "TWENTY-TWO." - [LAUGHTER]

NOW I CAN'T GET ON A PLANE;IT SUCKS, MAN.

I'M IN SECURITY FOR SIX HOURS.

I'M NAKED LAYIN' ON THAT BELT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

9-11, THAT MESSED US UP, HUH? THEY WERE SMART 'CAUSE THEY

HIJACKED THE NICE AIRLINES. TRY TO HIJACK

THE GHETTO AIRLINES WHERE ALL THE LATIN'S AND BLACKS FLY.

THE ONES WITH NO ASSIGNED SEATING WHERE THEY OPEN THE DOOR,

"GO, GO!" YOU RUN IN AND SIT DOWN.

"I WAS HERE FIRST. GO ON. GO ON, ATRAS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T HIJACK A BUNCH OF LATINOS.

"LA LA LA LA LA LA."

"HEY, THAT'S CUTE, HOLMES. BOX CUTTERS.

HE HAS A BOX CUTTER. HEY, LOOK WHAT I SNUCK ON."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AFGHANISTAN, PICKING A FIGHT WITH AMERICA.

WHAT THE HELL, THEY CAN'T AFFORD CHEESE; THEY WANNA FIGHT AMERICA.

YOU CAN'T FIGHT AMERICA IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD CHEESE.

FIRST YOU GET CHEESE; THEN YOU GET CABLE;

- THEN YOU FIGHT AMERICA. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T SKIP CHEESE AND CABLE.

DUDE, WE BLOW UP THEIR WHOLE COUNTRY IN LIKE A WEEK.

WHAT'D THEY DO TO US? ANTHRAX, OOH.

WE BLOW UP THEIR WHOLE COUNTRY AND THEY GIVE US THE FLU.

"OH [BLEEP]. THEY'RE USING UP ALL OUR SICK DAYS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

HIJACKING, BLOWIN' UP [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

HOW COME THEY DIDN'T BLOW UP TRW AND CLEAR MY CREDIT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IT'S ALWAYS THE BUILDINGS WE NEED.

I GOTMESSED UP CREDIT, DUDE.TORE UP.

MY CREDIT SCORE'S LIKE A SEVEN.

DUDE, COLUMBIA HOUSE12 RECORDS FOR A PENNY.

- LIARS, HUH? - [LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T BUY A HOUSE'CAUSE THE "WU TANG" CDI BOUGHT 9 YEARS AGO.

I COULDN'T EVEN GET A CAR. I HAD TO GO TO THOSE PLACES

ON THE RADIO. YOU KNOW,IT'S METRO NISSAN!

"WE'LL GIVE$1,000 TO THE PERSONWITH THE WORST CREDIT."

I'M LIKE, "HELL YEAH, THAT'S ME, DUDE."

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T LOSE, EITHER YOU GET A CAR OR YOU CAN BUY X-BOX.

AND EVEN IF YOU CAN'T GO NOWHERE YOU'RE NOT BORED.

SO I WENT DOWN THERE AND THEY HAD THIS LONGHAIRED DUDE

THAT WORKED THERE, YOU KNOW, LIKE THE ROCKER GUYS THAT,

"HEY, YOU WANNA TEST DRIVE?"

"YEAH, I'LL MESS UP A CAR.LET'S GO, DUDE."

I'M IN A NISSAN-- GO OVER THE CURB THROUGH THE GRASS.

I DIDN'T CARE.IT'S NOT MY CAR, RIGHT?

HE'S ALL, "DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"IT'S A PATHFINDER.

I'M FINDING A PATH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE GET BACK. HE'S ALL, "DUDE, LET'S RUN YOUR CREDIT."

I'M LIKE, "OKAY. GO AHEAD. YOU ASKED FOR IT, HOLMES."

PUTS MY SOCIAL IN HE HITS PRINT: NE NE NE NE!

NE NE NE NE! NE NE NE NE!

NE NE NE NE!

NE NE NE NE!

NE NE NE NE! NE NE NE NE!

LIKE A HOUR-- NE NE NE NE!

"DUDE, 7-ELEVEN HAS CREDIT?" NE NE NE NE!

THE MACHINE GOT TIRED:NOHHHHH!

- NOHHH NOHHH! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- I GOT THE 1,000 BUCKS. - [LAUGHTER]

- DIDN'T GET THE CAR. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

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