Tony Woods - Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

  • Season 5 , Ep 8
  • 08/19/2001
  • Views: 8,171

You never see a dead chicken on the side of the road. (2:39)

SOMETHING FUNNY, BUT I CAN'T.

SOME GUYS HAVE CLEVER THINGS

ALL THE TIME TO SAY.

SOME PEOPLE COME UP WITH REAL

CLEVER PHRASES AND NEVER GET ANY

CREDIT FOR THEM.

YOU EVER HEAR THE PHRASE--

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS

THE ROAD?

I THINK THAT IS SO GOOD.

'CAUSE THERE'S A THOUSAND

DIFFERENT ANSWERS FOR WHY THAT

LITTLE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD.

NOW ME PERSONALLY, I DON'T GIVE

A DAMN ABOUT THE CHICKEN

CROSSING THE ROAD AT ALL.

OBVIOUSLY, CHICKENS ARE PRETTY

GOOD AT--

CROSSING THE ROAD.

'CAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN A CHICKEN

WHO'S BEEN HIT BY A CAR.

I MEAN, THEY GET HURT

A LOT OF WAYS,

BUT NEVER--

HIT BY A CAR.

I THINK THAT AS A SOCIETY,

WE SHOULD CONCERN OURSELVES WITH

THE ANIMALS WHO DON'T MAKE IT--

ACROSS THE ROAD.

WHY DID THE SQUIRREL CROSS

THE ROAD?

HE NEVER MAKES IT.

SQUIRRELS HAVE LIKE,

A BIG SELF-CONFIDENCE PROBLEM.

YOU EVER SEE 'EM?

'CAUSE THEY'RE QUICK ENOUGH,

BUT THEY CAN'T HANG WHEN THEY'RE

LIKE--

WHOO!

I CAN'T DO THIS!

(LAUGHTER)

AND SOON AS HE TURN AROUND--

BAM!

OH!

WHAT ABOUT THE RACCOON?

THEY GET IT ALL THE TIME.

EVERY TIME YOU DRIVE DOWN

THE HIGHWAY, THAT'S ALL YOU SEE

IS A LITTLE HAT HERE,

A LITTLE HAT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND RACCOONS DON'T GET IT 'CAUSE

THEY HAVE LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE

LIKE THE SQUIRREL, RACCOONS HAVE

TOO MUCH SELF-CONFIDENCE.

'CAUSE LOOK AT THE WAY THEY

DRESS.

THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH FOR THE

FOREST.

BIG FUR JUMPSUIT,

THE BLACK DRIVING GLOVES,

THE STRIPED TAIL, AND LITTLE

SUNGLASSES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

COME ON, RACCOON,

WHAT YOU TRYING TO PROVE, MAN?

THEN THEY WALK OUT INTO THE

HIGHWAY LATE AT NIGHT, AND I'M

SURE ANOTHER ANIMAL GOES--

HEY, RACCOON!

LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRUCK!

AND HE'S LIKE--

WHAT TRUCK, MOTHER (BLEEP-ER)?

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE THAT'S HOW THEY TALK,

'CAUSE THEY THINK THEY COOL.

BUT BY THEN IT'S TOO LATE.

BAM!

THAT'S WHY EVERY TIME WHEN YOU

DO SEE A DEAD RACCOON,

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKIN' BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE HE WAS TALKING TO THAT

ANIMAL IN THE WOODS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ANIMAL THAT

WAS, RIGHT?

THE CHICKEN.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

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