Joe Matarese - Paranoia

  • Season 12 , Ep 14
  • 01/11/2008
  • Views: 9,160

Did you buy that joint off of Mike Schwartz? (4:06)

HERE'S A STORY THATDEFINES MY PARANOID MOM.

NOW, I USED TO SMOKE POTA LOT IN TENTH GRADE.

THAT WAS MY POT YEAR.AND YEAH, SOMEBODY WHO'SIN TENTH GRADE WITH ME?

WOO! TENTH GRADE, BRO.IT WAS MY POT YEAR.

AND THIS WAS THE INCIDENT WHEREI COULD NEVER SMOKE POT AGAIN.

NOW, I BOUGHT THIS JOINTOFF THIS KID AT SCHOOL.

HIS NAME WASMIKE SCHWARTZ, OKAY,

I DON'T KNOW IFYOU KNOW HIM-- UP THERE.

MIKE SCHWARTZ SELLSME THIS JOINT, RIGHT?

I GO HOME, IT'S ABOUT3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.

I GO INTO MY PARENTS' BASEMENT.

I SMOKE THEWHOLE JOINT BY MYSELF.

THEN I GO INTO THE KITCHENAND I POUR THESE TWO,

TALL GLASSES OF VODKA, RIGHT?

AND I DOWN 'EM BOTH,BACK TO BACK.I'M, LIKE, BOOM, BOOM.

ABOUT 30 SECONDS GOES BY ANDTHEN I JUST START FREAKIN' OUT.

I'M HEARIN'[BLEEP], LIKE, ARRR.

I GO, HOPE THAT WAS OUTSIDE.ARRR. THAT WAS IN MY HEAD.

NOW, I HAVE TO HAVE ACONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

IN MY OWN HEAD TO TRYTO RELAX ME IN THIS MOMENT.

IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN THERE,

IT'S THE WORSE PLACEYOU COULD EVER BE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, "JOE?" "YEAH?""YOU'RE REALLY HIGH."

"I KNOW. I KNOW.I DON'T WANT TO BE, THOUGH.

I CAN'T BREATHE,I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO DIE.

MY HEART HURTS. I THINK I MIGHTSWALLOW MY TONGUE.

I'M GONNA BITE ITSO I DON'T SWALLOW IT."

"YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.""I DON'T BELIEVE YOU."

"JUST GO OUTSIDEAND RUN IT OFF, MAN."

NOW ONCE AGAIN,MOST PEOPLE HERE MIGHT HAVE HAD

THAT THOUGHT,BUT YOU DIDN'T DO IT.

I DID IT, OKAY?I WENT OUTSIDE,

I JUST START RUNNIN'LIKE THIS SPRINTING [BLEEP].

I'M JUST, LIKE RUNNIN' IT OFF,RUNNIN' IT OFF.

I GO ABOUT TEN BLOCKSAWAY FROM MY PARENTS' HOUSE.

THEN I TURN AROUND,TEN BLOCKS BACK.

NOW I'M HYPERVENTILATING,DRUNK AND HIGH.

I PASS OUT ON MY PARENTS'FRONT LAWN. I'M, LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD. I'M GONNA DIERIGHT HERE ON MY FRONT LAWN.

THIS SUCKS.I DON'T WANT TO DIE."

NOW, I WAS SO SCAREDTHAT I HAD TO GO INSIDE

AND TELL MY MOMTHAT I WAS HIGH.

SHE RUSHED METO THE PEDIATRICIAN.

- IT'S TRUE.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S ALL THESECRYING BABIES AND WASTED JOE.

YOU KNOW, I'M OLDSO I HAD MY ASIA SHIRT ON,

HEAT OF THE MOMENT, WOO, YEAH.I GO IN TO SEE THE DOCTOR.

HE'S LIKE,"WHAT'S GOING ON, JOE?"

I'M, LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.I SMOKED THIS WHOLE JOINT.

I DRANK TWO TALLGLASSES OF VODKA.

I COULDN'T BREATHE.I TRIED TO RUN IT OFF.

AND MY MOM TOOK METO THE PEDIATRICIAN."

HE JUST LOOKS AT ME AND GOES,

"DID YOU BUY THATOFF OF MIKE SCHWARTZ?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

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