Theo Von - Money Pile

Theo Von Season 1, Ep 7 06/01/2012 Views: 2,093

Theo Von describes a foolproof way for men to snag a date, shares his goal of eventually apologizing with money and reveals how far he'd go with Brett Favre. (3:57)

My back is sweatin'...or my ass is sweatin' up.

You never know whatthe Lord's doing.

'Cause we grew upin a real Christian home.

Like, if we jerked off, my dadmade us bury it in the yard.

That joke's for my brother.I know he would love that one.

I need some money.

I need some. You got to havemoney to get a woman, you know?

And I get it, ladies, you know?

Who wants to bang some poor guy?That's nasty.

You get done banging, you'rejust laying there all poor.

Like, "Oh, can I go get youa towel that doesn't match

"any of the other towels?

What about some tap water,a hot pocket?"

Got to have money, dude.This is how you catch a woman...

Okay, you get all your money

and you put it in a big pile,in a big stack.

Stack yo money.

Okay... And then when a womancomes to get it,

you snatch her.

And that's your wife.

Then you go live with her.

And when she startsacting all crazy,

you just take her backby that money,

let her smell that money pile.

Just splash some 20s on her.(whipping)

That's called wedlock,they call it.

Got to have money, man.

And I want a bunch of money,you know?

Like, (bleep) a little.

Like a wallet?What the f... ah...

That's like a filing cabinetfor a poor person.

I have that. I want to carrymy money in a big sack

like the (bleep) Grinchthat stole everything.

Have all the money,live like a gangster.

Do whatever you want.One of my buddies called me

from home the other dayfrom Louisiana.

He's like,"Hey, man, I got a new job.

Making 40k a year."

Like, that's cool, bud,if you want to, you know,

marry your high schoolgirlfriend, have two kids,

one of them fat,one of them got asthma,

(bleep) have a nice(gasping) life, okay?

(bleep) that. I want to dowhatever I want to do.

Live like a gangster, just walkaround just shootin' people.

(imitating gunshots)

Apologize with money...

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry...

Nobody lives likea gangster anymore, man.

All the celebrities are afraid,

afraid to live how they want.

Michael Jackson, last goodgangster millionaire

they had on the planet.Say what you want, okay?

He had some technical issues.

But he did whateverhe wanted to do, okay?

He had bison in his house,wild animals.

What do you have, a cat?He had bison, okay?

Bison, zebras, alpacas,just running around his house.

(roars)Eating furniture and (bleep).

Okay? Imagine being like this,

"Heya! Heya!" every timeyou want to sit on the sofa.

That's some G-(bleep).

He had a middle school under hisbed, a small private academy.

That's gangsta.

I'm just sayinghe did whatever he wanted to do,

no matter what the media saidabout him.

He did what he wanted to do.

All these other celebritiesare afraid, man.

They're all afraid, afraidof what TMZ will think,

Entertainment Tonight.

I was a huge Brett Favre fan.

I grew up 45 minutesfrom his house.

We used to eat mushrooms,put on Favre jerseys,

run around in his town,pretend we was him, okay?

This dude got busted textingpictures of his penis

to chicks with his phone.

I'm like, dude, why are youdoing what I'm doing?

Like, you're Brett Favre.At least hire a nice artist

to come and paint your penis upreal nice, you know?

Just Ansel Adamssome clouds behind it

and mail that off to woman.

Or just put your phone downand go (bleep) a chick.

You're Brett Favre, dude.

If you shave a little,I might jerk you off, buddy.

I'm not gay,but I'm a football fan.

I just look the other way

and ask him about the timehe beat Detroit.

"It looked cold out there, sir."