Doug Benson - Driving Alone

  • Season 8 , Ep 11
  • 03/04/2004
  • Views: 19,942

Doug can't stand personalized license plates. (2:30)

RECENTLY I GOTPULLED OVER FOR

DRIVING IN THE HIGH OCCUPANCYVEHICLE LANE, AND I WAS LIKE,

"HOW DID HE KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]THAT I WAS IN THE CAR BY MYSELF?

BECAUSE THE COP, YOU KNOW,HE HAD TO GIVE ME THE BIG COP

SPEECH.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW YOU HAVETO HAVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON

IN THE VEHICLE TO DRIVE IN THEH.O.V. LANE.

I WAS LIKE, "CHECK THE TRUNK...

[LAUGHTER]YOU BIG FAT IDIOT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]SO, THAT WAS KIND OF AN

EXPENSIVE TICKET.

ANOTHER THING I DON'T ENJOYWHEN I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR

IS ALL THE STUFF THAT PEOPLEPUT ON THE BACK OF THEIR CARS

THAT I HAVE TO READ, 'CAUSEI'M A GOOD DRIVER AND I'M

LOOKING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE PERSONALIZED PLATES THATYOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THE

HELL MESSAGE THEY WERE TRYINGTO GET OUT TO THE WORLD.

YOU'RE LIKE STARING AT ITGOING, "WHAT IS--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE Q IS FOR?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAP--"DOES ANYBODY HERE HAVE A

PERSONALIZED PLATE?

ANYBODY DOWN IN FRONT HERE?

ANYONE AT ALL?

I DON'T MEAN TO POINT.

IT'S RUDE.

NONE OF YOU DO?

YOU'RE THE COOLEST AUDIENCEOF ALL TIME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]AND THEN SOME PEOPLE GO OUT

AND BY LICENSE PLATE FRAMESFOR THEIR LICENSE PLATE, 'CAUSE

THEY'RE A WORK OF ART SO YOUGOTTA FRAME 'EM.

AND THEY HAVE LITTLE CUTESYEXPRESSIONS ON 'EM YOU KNOW LIKE

"MY OTHER CAR IS A PORSCHE."

HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!

HEE-HEE-HEE!

WHY DON'T THEY GET SOMETHINGTHAT SAYS, "MY OTHER LIFE HAS

MEANING."

[LAUGHTER]OR OVER IN ENGLAND, THEY COULD

HAVE ONE THAT SAYS, "MY OTHERTOOTH IS MISSING."

[SUBDUED LAUGHTER]OH, PEOPLE FROM ENGLAND HERE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "BUT THEY'RE

OUR ALLIES."

[LAUGHTER]I ACTUALLY GOT TO PERFORM IN

ENGLAND.

THAT WAS PRETTY COOL.

I WAS IN LONDON AND I WENT TOBUCKINGHAM PALACE, 'CAUSE YOU

CAN MESS WITH THE GUARDS.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO MOVE OR TALK OR DO ANYTHING.

THEY JUST HAVE TO STAND THEREAT ATTENTION WITH THAT REALLY

TALL AFRO HAT WITH THE CHINSTRAP THAT DOESN'T QUITE MAKE

IT UNDER THEIR CHIN.

AND THEY JUST HAVE TO STANDTHERE, RIGHT, SO YOU CAN GET UP

RIGHT UP IN THEIR FACE AND BELIKE...

NEE-NEE-NEE-NEE-NEE!

BUT WHEN I WAS THERE, THERE'STHIS BRITISH WOMAN THERE WHO

TRICKED ME.

SHE GOES, "YOU CAN TWEAK HISNOSE, IF YOU'D LIKE.

GO AHEAD.

PINCH HIS BUM."

AND I'M THINKING, "I DON'T UM...

OKAY."

AND I REACH OUT, AND I GAVEHIS NOSE A LITTLE TWEAK.

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU GUYSNOTHING CLEARS UP JET LAG

QUICKER THAN THE CRACK OF AGUN BUTT AGAINST YOUR SKULL.

[LAUGHTER]IT REALLY BRINGS YOU RIGHT

AROUND.

YEAH.

[APPLAUSE]IT'S BETTER THAN 12 CUPS OF

COFFEE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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