Patton Oswalt - Most Shocking

  • Season 2, Ep 12
  • 09/03/1999
  • Views: 10,115

All medical videos are shocking. (3:31)

THERE'S A LOTOF REALLY GOOD SHOWS ON TV

AND WHAT'S GREAT ABOUTALL THESE GOOD SHOWS BEING ON TV

IS IT MAKES THE BAD SHOWSLOOK AN INFECTED 'RHOID--

LIKE THEY REALLY STAND OUT.

UM, FOR INSTANCE,ESPECIALLY LIKE THE FOX NETWORK

IS STARTING TO REALIZE THAT,YOU KNOW

"EXCEPT FOR THE SIMPSONSAND THE X FILES

AND KING OF THE HILL,OUR NETWORK SORT OF SUCKS."

SO THEY'RE STARTING TO SHOWJUST VIDEOS OF THINGS

LIKE WORLD'S SCARIEST POLICE CHASES

AND WHEN THINGS GO WRONG

AND THEY SHOW A GUYIN A PARACHUTE-- "AHH!"--

JUST FALLING.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME GUY--"AHH!"

AND THAT'S COOL. I'LL WATCHTHOSE SHOWS, BUT THEN RECENTLY

THEY REALLY HITTHE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL

BECAUSE THEY SHOWED A SHOW

CALLED FOX'S MOST SHOCKING MEDICAL VIDEOS.

DID ANYONE SEE THIS SHOW?

MOST SHOCKING MEDICAL VIDEOS.

OKAY. COUPLE THINGS.

NUMBER ONE:ALL MEDICAL VIDEOS ARE SHOCKING.

THEY'RE MEDICAL VIDEOS,FOR GOD'S SAKES.

THERE'S NO SOOTHINGMEDICAL VIDEOS.

IT'S NOT LIKE, "WELL,THE STUFFING'S TAKING FOREVER

"SO LET'S WATCH THISEPISIOTOMY FOOTAGE THAT I HAVE.

WHEN THE BONE SAW HITSTHE LIGAMENTS, IT'S A SYMPHONY."

UM... THE OTHER THING IS,DURING THE WHOLE SPECIAL

THEY KEPT TRYING TO SHOW YOU...THEY KEPT TRYING TO TELL YOU

"WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO LEARNSOMETHING ABOUT MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"THIS IS A VERY EDUCATIONAL SHOW

AND YOU LEARNABOUT THE WONDERS OF SCIENCE."

NO, NO. THIS IS ALLWET ASS HOUR SURGERY

WHEN THE BOTTOM HAS FALLENTHROUGH THE BASEMENT

AND SOME GUY COMES INWITH AN ELK'S LEG UP HIS ASS

AND THE DOCTOR'S, LIKE

"AH, HA-HA-HA.

"UH... UH, I DON'T HAVE A...

"THERE'S NO ELK/ASS CHAPTEROF THE GRAY'S ANATOMY.

"UM... GET SOME, UH, TONGS,AND...

"SOME BUTTER. I DON'T KNOW.

UH... I DIDN'T TRAIN FOR THIS."

I THINK THE BOTTOM MOMENTOF THE SPECIAL CAME

WHEN THIS GUY...

THERE WAS A GUY THAT WENT UPIN THE HIMALAYAS

AND HE GOT EXTREME FROSTBITE

AND HIS FACE TURNED BLACKAND THEN FELL OFF.

HIS FACE FELL OFF.

SO, THE DOCTORS ARERECONSTRUCTING HIS FACE

AND NOW HE'S GOT NO NOSE.

SO HE HAS OPTIONS.

OH, HE'S GOT OPTIONS NOW.

OPTION NUMBER ONE IS TO GETTHIS FAKE, CLIP-ON NOSE.

IT'S A FAKE, HARD PLASTIC NOSE

AND THEY PUT THESE METAL STUDSAND YOU-- KACHOONK-- CLIP IT ON

AND THEY SHOW A GUY WITH NO NOSEAND THE GUY CLIPS IT ON

AND HE LOOKED OKAY.

IT LOOKED LIKE...HE LOOKED FINE.

BUT THIS GUY SAID,"OH, PHOOEY AND PSHAW!

"NO FAKE NOSE FOR ME.

"THAT'S ALL FLUMMERY.

I WANT SOMETHING REAL."

SO THE DOCTORS CONSULT THISANCIENT SANSKRIT MEDICAL TEXT.

WHY THEY ARE CONSULTING ANANCIENT SANSKRIT MEDICAL TEXT--

BEYOND ME-- BUT THERE'S A WAYTHEY CAN TAKE SKIN AND FAT

FROM OTHER PARTS OF YOUR BODYAND GROW APPENDAGES.

SO THEY MAKE A NOSE OUT OF,LIKE, ASS FAT AND THIGH SKIN

AND THEY GROW IT UPSIDE DOWNON HIS FOREHEAD.

SO FOR A YEAR

HE HAS A HOLE IN HIS FACEAND AN UPSIDE-DOWN NOSE.

"AHH!"

GOING TO RESTAURANTS,CATCHING A FLICK...

"OH, MY GOD!"

THEN THEY TAKE THE ASS FAT NOSE,SEW IT OVER THE NOSE HOLE

AND THEY SHOW HIM WITH HIS NEW,NATURAL-LOOKING NOSE

AND IT LOOKED HORRIFYING.

OH, MY GOD.

IF MY FACE EVER FELL OFF

I WOULD HAVE THE PRESENCEOF MIND TO KILL MYSELF.

I WOULD NOT HANG AROUNDMR. SOPPY GOB-FACE

CLINGING ONTO LIFE.

( speaking gibberish )

"OH, MY GOD,WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?"

"HE LOVES LIFE.HE WON'T LET GO."

( speaking gibberish )

"OH, GOD, PLEASE KILL YOURSELF."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Loading...