Bill Burr - Going to Church

Burr, Fox, Fulchiron, Bjorgen, Lenox, Rontowski, Johnagin Season 1, Ep 5 08/10/2006 Views: 36,367

Jesus' race is about the dumbest thing anybody could argue about. (1:51)

I realize man, I've beenreally empty lately.

I never go to church, man.

I got to be honest,I hate church.

Always couldn't stand itwhen I was growing up.

Yeah, there's a couple of otherpeople going to hell with me.

Yeah, there you go.( applause )

You know what it is,I grew up Catholic.

I used to sit therein the crowd,

you know,listening to the priest.

The priest--they were, like, preaching.

They didn't even soundlike they believed it.

They'd just be up there.

"This is Gospelaccording to Luke.

"All right, I'm not sayingit happened.

"I'm not sayingit didn't happen, all right?

"I'm-I'm just sayingwhat Luke said.

"Now, according to Luke,the dude got out of of the boat,

"he started walkingacross the water.

"I don't know.Sounded crazy to me.

"I don't knowif he was a drinker.

"But, you know,don't get mad at me.

"I'm-I'm just repeatingwhat Luke...

what Luke said."

No, I definitely...I believe in a higher power,

but I think when people justget too into religion,

they get crazy.

Like, I like people,they, like...

they get so intothat they actually, like,

argue, like,what color Jesus is.

You know what I mean?Which is hilarious.

That's, like, one of the mostunholy things

you could ever do, right?

They'll sit there,and they'll be, like,

"You know, Jesus,he's for everybody--

"rich people, poor people.

"He doesn't care.

"He's just...He's just a great spirit.

Ev-Everything's great."

"Oh, yeah? What color is He?"

"He's white.

"He looks like me.

We're the chosen people."

You know? Or...

( applause and cheering )

Some of my, uh...

some of my black friends

tried to convince methat Jesus was black.

You know,He had that nappy hair,

all this stuff, you know.

It's the dumbest thingto argue about.

I really don't give a ( bleep )what color Jesus is.

I just don't want Him to be madat me when He comes back.

That's my deal.I don't care what He is.

When He comes backon that seven-headed horse,

chopping people's heads off,whatever the hell it is,

I just want,when He rides by me,

you know, just give meone of these.

( laughter )

Make me feel goodabout my life, you know?