Greg Fitzsimmons - Angry Letter

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 12/28/1998
  • Views: 2,588

Greg Fitzsimmons gets a complaint. (3:36)

AND I WAS DOING A BUNCHOF COLLEGE SHOWS

AND MY COLLEGE AGENT

TRICKED ME INTO DOINGA HIGH SCHOOL PROM SHOW

IN THIS TOWN IN OKLAHOMA.

IF YOU'RE IN OKLAHOMA,IT IS THE BIBLE BELT.

IT IS RIGHT-WING CHRISTIAN...

A LITTLE NAZI KINDOF A FEEL TO IT.

LIKE, YOU KNOW...LIKE BEFORE I GO ONSTAGE

THE PRINCIPAL COMES UP TO ME

HE GOES, "NOW, DON'T BEA WISEACRE UP THERE TONIGHT."

I'M LIKE, "I'M A COMEDIAN.YOU HIRED ME.

"WHAT, DO YOU HIRE A JUGGLER

AND GO, 'DON'T BE THROWINGSTUFF AROUND UP THERE TONIGHT'?"

SO I DID THE SHOW

AND IT WENT GREAT.

I GOT A STANDING OVATION.THE KIDS LOVED IT.

I WAS VERY CLEAN.

A WEEK LATER, I GET A LETTERSENT TO MY AGENT

FROM THE PRINCIPALOF THIS HIGH SCHOOL

COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SHOW

WHICH REALLY PISSED ME OFFBECAUSE THE SHOW WAS GOOD

AND THESE KIDS LIKED IT

AND THIS GUY'S JUST BEINGAN UPTIGHT...

I MEAN, WHATEVER.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M STILLCAUGHT UP IN IT.

IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

BUT I HAVE THE LETTERRIGHT HERE

AND I'D LIKE TO READ IT TO YOU.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTERFROM PLAINSVILLE, OKLAHOMA.

I DIDN'T MAKE THIS UP.THIS IS A TRUE LETTER.

"PLAINSVILLE, OKLAHOMA."

YOU COULD SEEIT'S THE ACTUAL HIGH SCHOOL

AND THERE'S THE LITTLE OKLAHOMAS.S. NAZI SYMBOL

RIGHT IN THE CORNER.

AND I JUST WANTED TO READ IT

JUST IN CASE THEY'RE WATCHING.

"DEAR R.E.O., WE HELD OURHIGH SCHOOL PROM THIS EVENING

"AND OUR ENTERTAINMENT WASCOMEDIAN GREG FITZSIMMONS.

"LET ME BE VERY FRANK.

"IT WAS THE MOST HUMILIATING

"EMBARRASSINGAND DEGRADING PERFORMANCE

I HAVE EVER WITNESSED AS PARTOF A HIGH SCHOOL ACTIVITY."

I'M KIND OF PROUD OF THAT.

( cheering and applause )

"WHAT MAKES IT MOST UNFORGIVABLE

"IS THAT BEFORE HIS PERFORMANCE

"HE WAS WARNED ABOUT TABOOSUBJECTS, LANGUAGE, ETCETERA

BY DR. DAVE THOMAS AND MYSELF."

DR. DAVE'S LIKE THE HEAD FUHRER

OF THE WHOLENAZI MOVEMENT THERE.

( laughter )

"HE APPARENTLY THOUGHTIT HUMOROUS

"TO DO EXACTLY THE OPPOSITEOF WHAT WAS INSTRUCTED.

HIS JOKES ABOUT HAVING SEXWITH HIS GRANDMOTHER..."

WHICH I DIDN'T DO.NO, I DIDN'T DO.

I DID THE JOKE WHERE I CALLMY GRANDMOTHER AND SHE'S NAKED.

THAT'S ALL I SAID.

APPARENTLY, THEN DR. DAVELAUNCHED INTO HIS OWN FANTASY

WHERE HE'S BANGINGMY GRANDMOTHER

AND NOW HE'S TRYINGTO PUT IT ON ME

BECAUSE HE'S A SICK BASTARDFROM OKLAHOMA.

"HE INVITED THE CLASSTO HIS MOTEL ROOM FOR KEG."

ALL RIGHT, I DID THAT.

I DID DO THAT.

"IF THIS IS THE ONLY WAYHE CAN BE HUMOROUS

"HE AND YOUR WHOLE COMPANYIS SICK

"AND SHOULD BE EMBARRASSEDTO MARKET SUCH FILTH.

"IF YOU ARE QUESTIONINGWHETHER I AM A BIBLE BEATER

NO, I AM NOT."

I THINK HE'S BEATINGSOMETHING ELSE

THINKING ABOUT MY GRANDMOTHER.

"I JUST FEEL THAT WHAT WE TRYSO HARD TO INSTILL

"IN OUR YOUNG PEOPLE CAN BEDASHED IN ONE HOUR OR LESS

BY SOME COMEDIAN THAT CAN LEAVETOWN AFTER DOING HIS DAMAGE."

THAT'S A PRETTY SOLIDMORAL SYSTEM

THEY'VE INSTILLEDIN THE YOUNG PEOPLE.

IF I CAN TELL JOKES FOR AN HOUR

AND DISRUPT THE WHOLE FABRICOF THEIR SOCIETY...

NEXT THEY'LL BE DANCING.

( laughter and applause )

"WE USED R.E.O.PROFESSIONAL ARTISTS LAST YEAR

AND WERE VERY SATISFIED WITHTHE HYPNOTIST THEY PERFORMED."

YEAH, IT FITS IN LINEWITH THEIR TEACHING METHODS.

IF I WAS A HYPNOTIST

I COULD HAVE REALLYSCREWED THESE KIDS UP.

LICK ME.

( laughter )

YOU ALL WANT TO LICK ME.

ANYWAY, THEY GO ON

AND THEY ASKEDFOR THE CHECK BACK

BUT I ALREADY CASHED IT

AND SPENT IT ON CRACKAND PORNO VIDEOS.

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