Demetri Martin - Handshake

Demetri Martin. Person. Season 1, Ep 101 01/13/2007 Views: 131,316

If you cut off Demetri Martin's handshake, he will curtsy on your ass. (1:53)

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SO I THINK I'M GOING TO END ON THAT IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

OH, OKAY. THEY'RE SAYINGI SHOULD DO MORE.

ALL RIGHT.

I SAW A FRIEND OF MINE, AND I WENT TO SHAKE HIS HAND.

I WENT IN FOR THE HANDSHAKE.

WHEN I WENT TO SHAKE HIS HAND, HE SQUEEZES THE FINGERS PART.

HE CUT ME OFF,

MAKING ME GIVE HIM A WUSSY HANDSHAKE.

BUT I THOUGHT, LIKE, QUICKLY,AND I JUST WENT WITH IT.

I JUST WENT, "CHARMED."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

PUNK!

YOU CUT ME OFF,I'LL CURTSY ON YOUR ASS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HATE WHEN I GO IN FOR A HANDSHAKE --

I'M COMING IN TRADITIONAL, I'M SHOWING YOU MY HAND --

AND THEN THE PERSONCOMES BACK TO ME

WITH, LIKE, THE FIST THING.

THEN I'VE GOT TO SCRAMBLE AND, LIKE, UPGRADE.

"OH, WE'RE DOING THE FIST? OKAY, LIKE..."

'CAUSE YOURS IS NEWER --I GOT TO DO YOUR THING.

SO I DON'T DO IT.

I JUST GO LIKE, "PAPER COVERS ROCK, BITCH."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BEST OF ONE.

WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

I LIKE ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS TWO-THIRDS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ROCK BREAKS SCISSORS.

THESE SCISSORS ARE BENT. THEY'RE DESTROYED.

I CAN'T CUT STUFF. THE ROCK -- I LOSE.

SCISSORS CUTS PAPER.

THESE ARE STRIPS -- THIS IS NOT EVEN PAPER.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME FOREVER TO PUT THIS BACK TOGETHER.

YOU GOT ME.

PAPER COVERS ROCK.

ROCK IS FINE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO STRUCTURAL DAMAGE TO ROCK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ROCK CAN BREAK THROUGH PAPER AT ANY POINT.

JUST SAY THE WORD.

PAPER SUCKS.

IT SHOULD BE ROCK,DYNAMITE WITH A CUTTABLE WICK...

SCISSORS.