Dom Irrera - Worry

  • Season 3 , Ep 7
  • 07/18/2000
  • Views: 9,707

Dom's mother instilled a lot of sickness in Dom's head when he was a kid. (3:41)

NO, SHE DIDN'T DIE.WE LOST HER.

YEAH.

SHE ACTUALLY SHRUNK TO THE POINTWE CAN'T FIND HER ANYMORE.

IT'S SO SAD, 'CAUSE WE KNOWSHE'S STILL IN THE HOUSE.

SHE'S JUST NOT VISIBLETO THE NAKED EYE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING:

THERE'S NOT A BRIGHT SIDETO EVERYTHING.

WHAT'S THE BRIGHT SIDETO SHRINKING?

"HEY, MAYBE SOME DAY,

"I'LL BE ABLE TO STANDIN THE BACK OF A CAR.

"WOW, I HAVEN'T HAD THIS VIEWSINCE I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD.

"HEY, ANYBODY KNOWWHERE A LITTLE TYKE LIKE ME

CAN GET A PONY RIDEAROUND HERE?"

AND MY MOTHER INSTILLED A LOT OFSICKNESS IN OUR HEADS, YOU KNOW.

ALWAYS WORRYING--

"DON'T EAT THE MAYONNAISEIF IT'S OUT IN THE SUN.

"GOD FORBID, SALMONELLA.SALMONELLA.

HOW LONG HAS THAT SALAMIBEEN HANGING? SALMONELLA."

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT SALMONELLA WAS.

TILL I WAS 12,

I THOUGHT SAL MONELLA WASSOME GUY

WHO USED TO DIP HIS ASSIN MAYONNAISE.

"HOW LONG'S THIS GUY BEEN OUT?

WHY DOESN'T HE GET A JOB,A LIFE, FOR GOD'S SAKES?"

AND THAT'S THE KIND OF STUFF

THAT STAYS WITH YOU AS AN ADULT,YOU KNOW?

YOU CUT TO: I'M A GROWNUP.I'M IN A HOTEL.

I CALL YOU--I LOVE HOTELS.

I PUT THE "DO NOT DISTURB"SIGN ON.

THE MAID CALLS ME TO SEEIF I WANT MY ROOM DONE.

AS IF THE "DO NOT DISTURB"SIGN'S FOR ANYBODY BUT THE MAID.

LIKE I'M WORRIED ABOUT SOME GUYWALKING DOWN THE HALL.

"YOU IN THERE?

"SERIOUS ABOUT THIS,OR DO YOU WANT TO BE DISTURBED?

HEY, YOU DON'T NEEDYOUR BAGS PACKED, DO YOU?"

[applause]

BOY, WHEN I WAS A KID, WE USEDTO FIGHT ALL THE TIME, RIGHT?

BUT LIKE THESE--THE THING WITH THE GUNS TODAY--

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING,"MAYBE I HAVE AN ANSWER.

"MAYBE DOM IRRERA,KILLER COMEDIAN,

IN HIS OWN HILARIOUS WAYHAS A"--

I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD ALLHAVE GUNS

AND HAVE THEM OUT ALL THE TIME.

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING?"

"GOOD.WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?

"EVERYBODY, NICE AND EASY.

TELL YOUR AUNT I SAID HI,ALL RIGHT?"

I DEFINITELY HAVE THE SOLUTION

FOR GANG MEMBERS WHO ARECONVICTED OF A VIOLENT CRIME.

ONCE THEY'RE SET BACKON THE STREETS,

THEY SHOULD ONLY BE ALLOWEDTO SKIP.

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE ANATTITUDE IF YOU'RE SKIPPING.

"WHAT THE HELLARE YOU LOOKING AT?"

YOU CAN'T GET IN A FIGHTIF YOU'RE SKIPPING.

YOU COULDN'T GET OUT OF A FIGHTIN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"

"NOTHING."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING NOTHING?"

"NOBODY."

"WHAT, I'M NOBODY TO YOU?"

EVERYBODY HAS THEIR OWN STYLE.

THE BLACK GUYS TELL YOUSTRAIGHT OUT,

"I'M GONNA MESS YOU UP, MAN.

"I'M GONNA MESS YOUR ASS--I'M GONNA HIT YOU SO HARD,

"WHEN YOU WAKE UP, YOUR CLOTHESGONNA BE OUT OF STYLE.

I'LL MESS YOU UP."

THE HIGHER THEY TALK, THE HARDERTHEY WERE GONNA HIT YOU.

[in high voice]"I'M GONNA MESS YOU UP.

I'M GONNA MESS YOUR ASS."

THE ITALIAN GUYSWILL GIVE YOU OPTIONS.

"HEY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ITI TAKE YOUR HEAD, ARIGHT?

"I'LL PULL YOUR EYES SO FAROUT OF THE EYE SOCKET,

"YOU CAN ACTUALLY WATCHYOUR OWN VICIOUS BEATING.

WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, MY FRIEND?"

SPANISH GUYS,RIGHT TO THE POINT.

"I CUT YOU, YOU COCK-A-ROACH."

NOBODY WANTED TO FIGHTMORE THAN THE IRISH KIDS.

THE IRISH GUYS WOULD FIGHTAT THE DROP OF A HAT.

THEY WERE INCREDULOUS.

"YOU FIGHTING ME?

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.YOU BETTER KILL ME, MAN.

"BECAUSE I'M MENTAL,AND I NEVER FORGET.

"YOU BETTER CRUSH MY BODYTHE SIZE OF A PEA,

"'CAUSE IF THIS ONE FINGERLIVES, I'LL HAUNT YOU WITH IT.

"I'LL JUMP UP AND DOWNIN FRONT OF YOUR WINDOW AT NIGHT

"WHEN YOU'RE HAVING DINNER.

"I'LL CLIMB YOUR STEPSLIKE A SLINKY.

"I'LL PUT A PLUNGERON MY KNUCKLE

"AND HOP UP YOUR BRICK WALL.

"EVEN IF THE MINUTEST SLIVEROF THE FINGERNAIL LIVES,

"I'LL WAIT ON YOUR BATHROOMFLOOR AND INFECT YOUR FOOT.

"THAT'S HOW CRAZY I AM.

COME ON."

[applause]

THANKS. I APPRECIATE IT.GOD BLESS.

Captioning provided byComedy Central.

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