Ralph Harris - Dysfunctional Relatives

  • Season 3 , Ep 8
  • 07/25/2000
  • Views: 5,569

Everybody has an uncle who drinks too much. (3:21)

I LOVE MY PARENTS DEARLY.

THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE...

UNTIL THEY INVITE DYSFUNCTIONALRELATIVES OVER TO THE HOUSE.

MY AUNT, SHE CAME OVER.

SHE HAD A BLONDE WIG ON HER HEAD

LIKE NOBODY WAS GOING TOSAY NOTHING TO HER.

SHE HAD BLACK HAIR,THEN SHE HAD THE BLONDE WIG ON.

THE BLACK HAIRWAS STICKING OUT THE FRONT.

SHE LOOKED LIKE A RAMWALKING AROUND THE HOUSE.

MY FAVORITE PARTIS THAT STUFF THAT SHE HAS

THAT SWINGS UNDER HER ARM.

WHEN I WAS A KID,SHE'D LET YOU SWING ON IT.

"HERE, BOY, GET ON.

"GO ALL THE WAY OVER.

SHOW YOUR BROTHER;SHOW YOUR BROTHER!"

I LOVE HER, MAN.

SHE BRINGS MY UNCLE EARL.

HE DRINKS TOO MUCH.

EVERYBODY'S GOT AN UNCLETHAT DRINKS TOO MUCH,

BECAUSE THERE'S A QUOTA.

AND YOU BETTER GET ONE,YOU KNOW.

MY UNCLE--THEY DRINK TOO MUCHBECAUSE THEY'RE HAPPY,

AND THEN THEY START CRYING.

AND THEY WANT TO FIGHT.

A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF TO SAYNOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND.

[slurred speech]

"YOU HEARD ME.

"'CAUSE I DON'T CARE.

"I DON'T CARE.

"WHOO HOO HOO HOO.

"'CAUSE I'M A MAN, BABY.

"MAN.

"M-A...MAN.

"THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO KNOW.

"'CAUSE I'M SICK OF THIS.

"EVERY YEAR, WE COME OVER HEREFOR THE FAMILY REUNION.

"AND ALL YOU DO IS PICK ON ME.

"PICK, PICK, PICK, PICK.

"WHY IS EVERYBODYALWAYS PICKING ON ME?

"'CAUSE YOU THINKYOU'RE BETTER THAN ME;

"THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

"YOU AIN'T BETTER THAN ME.

"I KNOW I GOTTHIS LITTLE WEAKNESS.

"SEE, I'MA ADMIT IT.

"I'MA ADMIT IT.

I DRINK."

[laughter]

I WAS A BAD LITTLE KID,

AND I REALLY APPRECIATE YOULISTENING TO MY STORIES.

I GAVE A LOT OF PEOPLEA HARD TIME.

I WAS HYPER.

YOU KNOW HOW SOME KIDSARE SO BAD,

WHEN THEY RUN AROUND THE HOUSE,YOU HOPE THEY BUMP THEIR HEADS

JUST HARD ENOUGHSO THEY'LL FALL ASLEEP?

THAT'S THE KIND OF KID I WAS.

ONE TIME, I WOULDN'T GET INTHE CAR TO GO TO SUNDAY SCHOOL.

MY MOTHER SAID I WAS POSSESSED.

"BOY, GET YOUR ASS IN THIS CAR."

I WAS LIKE,♪ "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

♪ "I DON'T HAVE TO DONOTHING YOU SAY, ♪

♪ "NOTHING YOU SAY,NOTHING YOU SAY. ♪

♪ "I DON'T HAVE TO DONOTHING YOU SAY. ♪

♪ "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

♪ "DAD CAN'T EITHER.

♪ "SHOULDN'T FEED MESO MUCH SUGAR. ♪

♪ "TRY TO MAKE ME,TRY TO MAKE ME, ♪

♪ TRY..." ♪

SHE HIT ME WITH THE CAR.

THANKS A LOT.

[cheers and applause]

Captioning providedby Comedy Central.

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