Welcome to the Non-Trademark-Infringing International Competition for Medals

Monday, August 15, 2016 08/15/2016 Views: 225

Yakov Smirnoff, Flula Borg and Maeve Higgins suggest ways to avoid a lawsuit from the International Olympic Committee. (2:27)

We're coming to you from a place

that is definitelyRio de Janeiro,

and not a studio acrossfrom a 7/11 in Los Angeles.

(laughter)

...for...

-(applause and cheering)-It's not.

-This is Rio.-Yeah.

It's definitely Rio.

I promise this is Rio.

I was robbed four timeson the way to the lectern.

-(laughter) -This is a weeklong @midnight tournament

that'll be justlike the Olympics.

And by that I mean underfundedand on an annoying tape-delay.

(laughter)

We've scoured the globe

for the funniest peoplefrom the funniest countries,

-and also Germany, and broughtthem here... -(laughter)

...to test their wits,their humor,

and their ability to shareone functioning toilet.

And now, I would like

to welcome you allto the @midnight Olympics!

-(cheers and applause)-(fanfare plays)

-Hey, stop. stop.-(music stops)

Unfortunately,I can't do that because

the International OlympicCommittee sent out a letter

threatening legal actionagainst non-sponsors who...

"read tweets about the games

"and anyof its associated trademarks.

"That includesthe words 'Olympics,'

'Olympian,' and '#TeamUSA.'"

I can't even congratulateOlympic athletes

on their victories, onlyfor non-Olympic things. Like...

Like, for instance,if I saw this picture

of a celebrating Michael Phelps,all I could say is,

"Congratulationson your perfect nipples."

(applause and cheering)

They're perfectin every single way.

But despiteall these legal barriers,

we're still goingto kick off our tribute

to that ancient tradition

of greased-up,uncircumcised wrestlers

with an awesometorch-lighting ceremony.

Let the game-likeactivities start! Comed...

-(orchestra playsgrand theme) -Oh.

Is it happening?I feel it.

(cheers and applause)

Comedians, what other thingsdo we have to do

to avoid getting suedby the I.O.C.?

-Yakov Smirnoff, go.-The Olympics game--

you are not supposed to do drugsor take drugs.

On this show,it's mandatory to take...

-HARDWICK: Yeah. Yeah.-(laughter, applause & cheering)

Hopefully, everyone'sjuiced up and ready to go.

Flula Borg.

You cannot swallowany raw sewage

without araw sewage-swallowing permit.

And good luck getting that

all becauseof bureaucracy red tape!

-All right, points. Yes, verygood. Very good. -(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Thank you.

Maeve Higgins.

You cannot, um, hirethe IOC as your secretary

and then sexually harass them.

-(laughter) -HARDWICK:No, you can't do that.