Howard Kremer - When I Can Summon Wolves

  • Season 11 , Ep 20
  • 04/05/2007
  • Views: 4,670

Wolves to the front. Wolves to the back. Wolves circulating, waiting to attack. (5:41)

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BUT I LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC, TOO. ANYBODY? ANYBODY? COUNTRY?

TWO, THREE? NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE BOTH.

NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE BOTH, BUT I DO.

TO ME, I THINK THEY'RE VERY SIMILAR.

SOME RAP AND SOME COUNTRY IS JUST PEOPLE WITH NO SCHOOLING,

TALKING ABOUT EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM THAT DAY.

- THAT'S ALL IT IS. - [LAUGHTER]

IN COUNTRY,IT'S LIKE, I WOKE UP,SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED,

I GOT DRUNK. YOU KNOW IT'S USUALLY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

RAP'S THE SAME THING. THEY JUST BRAG MORE.

I WOKE UP Y'ALL CAN'T WAKE UP LIKE ME

I WAKE UP LIKE TEN MOTHER-[BLEEP]

THAT'S [BLEEP] IN MY EYES IS DIAMONDS

I GET UP TO PEEIT'S LIQUID GOLD

[LAUGHTER]

LICK-WID-GOLD

I SHOULDN'T DRINK NOW, AFTER I SAID THAT.

ANYBODY HERE IN A RELATIONSHIP?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH?

ANYBODY HERE IN A RELATIONSHIP

WITH SOMEONEWHO LIKES TO BACK TALK?

- YEAH.- YEAH?

ANYBODY HERE IN A RELATIONSHIP

WITH SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO WISE OFF?

DON'T WANNA ADMIT ITRIGHT NOW, DO YA?

WHO HERE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE

- WHO LIKES TO GIVE YOU LIP? - [LAUGHTER]

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M IN A RELATIONSHIPLIKE THAT, TOO.

BUT I CAME UP WITH A SOLUTION. DO YOU WANNA HERE IT?

Audience: YEAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS SONG IS CALLED, "YOU WON'T SASS ME LIKE THAT WHEN I CAN SUMMON WOLVES."

- [WOLVES HOWLING] - OH, WHAT'S THAT?

OOOH, LET ME HERE SOME WOLVES,LET ME HERE SOME WOLVES.

STANDIN' ALONE BY EDGE OF THE WOODS

WHAT AM I DOIN' SOMETHING NOT GOOD

I'M PRACTICING A SKILLOF A UNIQUE KIND

HOW TO SUMMON WOLVES WIT' MY MIND

YA SASS TOO MUCH IT DRIVES ME NUTS

I'VE ASKED YOU TO STOPYOU WON'T LET UP

BUT WE'LL SEE IF YOU KEEP TALKING SMACK

WHEN YOU'RE TRAPPED IN THE WRATHOF A WOLF ATTACK

OUCH, ONE'S NIPPIN' AT YOUR ARM

OUCH, ONE'S NIPPIN' AT YOUR LEG

OUCH, ONE'S LUNGING AT YOUR SHOESTRINGS

CAUSIN' YOU TO RETHINK THE WAY YA DO THINGS

IN A WHILEYOU WILL LOSE THAT SMILE

WHEN THEY GET UPON YA JACK LONDON STYLE

THEN YOU'LL REGRET ALL THE CRAP YOU PULL

YOU WON'T SASS ME LIKE THAT

WHEN I CAN SUMMON WOLVES

AND WHERE'S THE WOLVES?GIVE ME SOME WOLVES.

- [AUDIENCE HOWLING] - YEAH. OKAY.

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE YOU ARE NOT SAFE, CHECK IT OUT.

IF YOU SASS IN MY APARTMENT

I'LL DIAL UP THE WOLVES DEPARTMENT

LIKE A PIZZA GUY THEY'LL ARRIVE IN THIRTY MIN'

WHEN THE PACK PULLS UP OUTSIDEI'LL BUZZ 'EM IN

IF YOU SASS AT THE WATER PARK

YOU'LL HERE THE BARKOF A WATER SHARK

BUT THE SHARK'S JUST A WOLF IN A SHARK DISGUISE

AND HE'S COMIN' FOR THAT ASS ON THE WATER SLIDE

THEN YOU'LL KNOW NOT TO DISRESPECT

THEN YOU'LL KNOW TO KEEP THAT LIP IN CHECK

THEN YOU'LL KNOW TO BE VERY CAREFUL

YOU WON'T SASS ME LIKE THAT WHEN I CAN SUMMON WOLVES

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, SOMEBODY--SOMEBODY GIVE ME A WOLF.

NEW YORK CITY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOLVES ARE, RIGHT?

- [AUDIENCE HOWLING] - AAH, OKAY.

LET'S DO A BREAKDOWN. EVERYBODY WITH ME-- WITH ME.

WOLVES TO THE FRONT WOLVES TO THE BACK

WOLVES CIRCULATIN' WAITIN' TO ATTACK

WOLVES TO THE FRONT WOLVES TO THE BACK

WOLVES CIRCULATIN' WAITIN' TO ATTACK

COME ON, WOLVES TO THE FRONT--

WOLVES TO THE FRONT WOLVES CIRCULATIN' WAITIN' TO ATTACK

WOLVES TO THE FRONT-- WOLVES TO THE BACK

WHOA!

ALL RIGHT, CHECK THIS OUT.I BEEN OUT THEREPRACTICING ALL THE TIME.

SO FAR, I'VE MANAGED TO SUMMONA RACCOON AND A SQUIRREL.

THE SQUIRREL MIGHT'VE BEEN A COINCIDENCE,

BUT THE RACCOONWAS A DEFINITE SUMMONS,

AND HE LOOKED MEAN, AND HE HAD FANGS AND STUFF. HE LOOKED PRETTY VICIOUS,

SO PRETTY SOON I'LL BE WORKING UP TO IT.

AND YA'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH A...

WOLVES.

- SCRATCHATORY RAPE, GIVE IT UP.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- THAT SONG IS FOR YOU GUYS. - [LAUGHTER]

- OH, GOOD SONG. YEAH. - [LAUGHTER]

"CAN'T JUSTBREAK UP WITH THE GIRL,YA GOTTA GET WOLVES??

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S MY OLDER BROTHER LEE. THAT'S HOW HE TALKS.

HE'S CRITICAL ABOUT SOME THINGS.

I TOLD HIM I WASGONNA BECOME A COMEDIAN.

HE WAS LIKE, "COMEDIAN, YAH RIGHT.

"YOU WEREN'T EVEN THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN OUR BEDROOM.

COMEDIAN, DOH."HE'S GOT A TEMPURPEDIC BED NOW.

"DOH, IT'S SO COMFORTABLE." THAT'S ALL HE TALKS ABOUT.

"IT'S A-- IT'S--IT'S LIKE LYING IN SNOW,BUT IT'S NOT COLD.

- [LAUGHTER] - "SO GOOD.

"IT'S-- IT'S LIKE LYING IN A CLOUD THAT'S HARD ENOUGH THAT YOU DON'T FALL THROUGH,

BUT SOFT ENOUGH TO STILL RETAIN THE PROPERTIES OF A CLOUD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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