Ian Edwards - Crime Credit Card

Oswalt, Mulaney, Edwards, Cummins, Mordal, Prekel, Borowitz Season 1, Ep 3 08/03/2006 Views: 5,324

Once you're found innocent, make the most of your freedom. (1:57)

I was watching the news.It happened again this week.

Another dude got out of jail.

They exonerated himon DNA evidence.

It's been happeningjust every week.

Somebody gets out of jailon D...

Dude did 18 years in jail;then they...

It's crazy.

Then they let him out.

And they said, "What you gonnado, man?"

He said, "Man, I'm just gonnago down South,

and just sit on my mama's porchand breathe fresh air."

I'm like, "That's it?"

Let me tell you something.

If I do 18 years in jailfor something I didn't do,

when I get out,I'm gonna do something!

That's 18 years' credit.

I've already done the time;now it's time to do the crime.

You know what I mean?

( applause )

I got...I got a crime credit card.

I'm just going to commit crimesand swipe... Doop!


Give me your money, old lady.


Damn rightI'm not wearing a mask.

Just tell them it was me--the credit card bandit.

This is going to bea crime forecast.

I'll be back in courtthe next day.

The judge will be looking atmy record, it's like...

( clearing throat )

"Mr. Edwards, it says right herewe let you out yesterday

and you robbed an old lady.That's four years."

I'm like,"That's right, ( bleep ).

"That's four years.Take it off my card.

"And I got 14 left.

"And hurry up. I gota lot more stuff I got to do.

"I got banks to rob,

"ho's to pimp and crack to sell.

"I told you I didn't do itin the first place.

"As a matter of fact,

"I don't like the wayyou're looking at me, Judge.

I'll smack the hell out of you."

"That's a year."

"Take it off my card. Doop.

And don't let me use the restof this card up in this court."