Ian Karmel - Weird God

King Cake, Baby! Season 2, Ep 1 09/09/2014 Views: 9,201

Ian Karmel simply cannot believe in a god who would create d**k fish. (2:39)

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MY NAME IS IAN KARMEL,

WHICH IS RIDICULOUS,

BECAUSE I AM A 6'3"

300-POUND JEWISH MAN,

AND MY NAME SOUNDS LIKE

A WHIMSICAL BRITISH CANDY STORE.

MY NAME SHOULD NOTBE IAN KARMEL.

MY NAME SHOULD BE, LIKE...

SHLOMO PUDDINGTITS.

IT SHOULD BESHLOMO PUDDINGTITS,

OR MY NAME SHOULDJUST BE HAM HOCK.

THAT SHOULD BE THE WHOLE THING.

AND MY ENTIRE COMEDY ACT ISJUST ME COMING OUT ON STAGE

AND GOING,"BETTER PUT SOME BUTTER ON IT,"

AND THEN LEAVING.I JUST LEAVE.

LIKE I SAID, I'M JEWISH.

I'M NOT A VERY JEWY JEW.

LIKE, I'M WAY MOREOF A BEASTIE BOYS JEW

THAN A READ-THE-TORAH JEW.

I COULD NEVER BE RELIGIOUS.I COULD NEVER BE KOSHER.

I--I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVEIN ANY GOD THAT WON'T LET ME EAT

BACON-WRAPPED SCALLOPS.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

[cheers and applause]

I MEAN, IF GOD APPEAREDIN FRONT OF ME AND WAS LIKE,

"IAN, WHAT DID I TELL YOUABOUT BACON AND SCALLOPS?"

I'D BE LIKE,"OH, HEY, GOD, WHAT'S UP?

UH, TRY ONE.TRY ONE OF THEM."

HE'D BE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,BUT I WAS VERY CLEAR ABOUT--

"OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

"WHAT ELSE HAVE I BEENWRONG ABOUT?

DO ME IN THE BUTT, QUICKLY.I HAVE TO KNOW."

[laughter and applause]

I AM--I'M--I'M AN ATHEIST,TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I AM AN ATHEIST.

AND LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU NOW

WHY I AM AN ATHEIST.

THERE IS A FISH

THAT LIVES IN THE AMAZON RIVER,

THAT WILL SWIMINTO YOUR PENIS

AND DIE THERE.

THAT'S A REAL THING.

AND IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD,

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE GOD

PUT THAT FISH ON EARTH,

SAW WHAT IT WAS DOING...

AND WAS TOTALLY OKAY WITH IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?LIKE, SOME ANGEL

PROBABLY TRIED TO WARN HIM,LIKE, "GOD, I DON'T KNOW

"KNOW HOW TO BRING THIS UP,BRO, BUT, UH...

HERE'S A FISH IN THE--""YEAH, THE DICK FISH!

"I KNOW ABOUT IT.YEAH.

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

"YEAH, I'M A WEIRD GOD, YEAH.WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE PLATYPUS.

"PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE LIKE,'WHAT?' THERE'S NO REASON.

"I GOT HAMMERED, THAT'S WHY.

WEIRD GOD, YEAH."

AND I WANT THE WORLDTO BE A BETTER PLACE, TOO.

I WANT THERE TO BE MORE PANDASAND LESS DICK FISH.

I THINK WE CAN ALL

GET BEHIND THAT IDEA, RIGHT?

THAT'S A BUMPER STICKERWE'D ALL ROCK, RIGHT?

PANDA, GREATER THAN SIGN,

WHATEVER THE HELL A DICK FISHLOOKS LIKE.