Kurt Metzger - Ice Cream

  • Season 13, Ep 1
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 15,709

Ben and Jerry's is the fun ice cream; Haagen Dazs is the Nazi ice cream. (3:22)

I LIVE ABOVE AN AFRICAN STOREIN BROOKLYN

WHERE THEY SELL, LIKE,ART AND HERBS AND STUFF,

WHICH -- THAT'S NOT WEIRD,BUT WHAT IS WEIRD

IS THEY HAVE A SIGN ON THE STORETHAT SAYS,

"AFRICAN SUPPLIES,"WHICH -- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.

YOU WATCH HBO?

LIKE, WHEN DO YOU RESTOCKYOUR AFRICAN SUPPLIES?

"ALL RIGHT,I'M GONNA NEED A MACHETE

"WITH BLOOD AND HAIR ON IT.

UH, I NEED AN ARMY UNIFORMFOR A 5-YEAR-OLD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"UH...

"UH...

"HMM...

"I NEED A 'CONGRATULATIONSON YOUR CIRCUMCISION' CARD

"FOR MY NIECE.

IT'S HER CIRCUMCISION LATER."

OH, THAT'S GROSS.

FEMALE CIRCUMCISION --SO TERRIBLE, RIGHT?

BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,

WHEN IT'S DONE, YOU CAN HAVEALL THE ICE CREAM YOU WANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT KIND OF ICE CREAMDO YOU GUYS LIKE?

MY FAVORITE KIND OF ICE CREAMIS BEN & JERRY'S.

THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS BUY.THAT'S THE FUN KIND, RIGHT?

YEAH!

AND, LIKE, ALL THE FLAVORSARE MIXED TOGETHER,

HAVING A PARTY,AND THERE'S LIKE ACORNS AND HEMP

AND NATURAL HIPPIE GOODNESSIN THERE.

I DON'T BUY HAAGEN-DAZS.

THAT'S, LIKE,NAZI ICE CREAM TO ME.

IT REALLY IS.

IT'S, LIKE,A PLAIN BROWN CONTAINER.

[ German accent ]"PURE VANILLA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]"OH, MY GOD.

CAN I HAVE SOME CHOCOLATEWITH THIS VANILLA?"

[ German accent ] "NEIN!"

[ Normal voice ]THEY HAVE, UH, "VANILLA"

AND "SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS."

THAT'S NOT A FUN --THAT'S NOT A FUN ICE-CREAM TIME.

WHO...

SO -- OH, I JUST WENT TO CHURCHRECENTLY WITH MY FRIEND.

I WENT TO AN EVANGELICAL CHURCH,

WHICH IS, LIKE, REAL CHURCH,BY THE WAY, WHERE YOU CAN TELL,

'CAUSE THEY PRAY LIKE THIS,WITH THEIR HANDS OUTSTRETCHED.

LIKE, NOT YOUR PHONY WAY,LIKE THIS, THAT YOU DO,

'CAUSE YOU'RE A FAKE.

THEY DO IT THIS WAY

BECAUSE THEY HAVE, LIKE,PRAYER TECHNOLOGY

THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

AND SO, I'M IN THE CHURCH,

AND THE GUY'S TELLING THE STORYOF JESUS DYING,

AND A DUDE NEXT TO MEIS PRAYING LIKE THIS

AND JUST CRYING, JUST WEEPING.

I'M LIKE, "REALLY?YOU'RE CRYING OVER THAT STORY?

"LIKE...HOW MANY TIMESHAVE YOU HEARD THAT STORY?

"PROBABLY EVERY DAY!

"LIKE, PHONY, WHY DO YOU HAVETO PLAY IT UP

"FOR THE OTHER WEIRD CHRISTIANSHERE?

"HE COMES BACK AT THE END.IT'S TOTALLY COOL.

"YOU KNOW THAT?IT WORKS OUT GREAT FOR HIM.

THERE'S NO, UH..."

[ APPLAUSE ]

OH.

I DON'T EVEN GET THIS STORYOF JESUS DYING.

WHAT GOOD DOES THAT DO?

LET'S SAY THAT YOU LIVEIN A REALLY CRAPPY APARTMENT

AND YOUR TOILET'S BROKEN, RIGHT?

IT WAS BROKENWHEN YOU GOT THERE.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

YOU JUST CAME INTO A WORLDOF A BROKEN TOILET,

AND YOU CALL YOUR LANDLORD UPREPEATEDLY TO FIX IT,

AND HE GOES,"NO, WHAT I'M GONNA DO

"IS SEND MY SON TO YOUR HOUSE

TO SIT ON YOUR TOILETAND DO MAGIC TRICKS."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT?"

HE'S LIKE, "AND ON THE THIRDDAY, HE WILL RISE AND GO HOME."

"LIKE, IS THAT --THAT'S GONNA FIX MY TOILET?"

HE'S LIKE, "NO, BUT IF YOU'REGOOD, ONE DAY, HE WILL RETURN

"AND DRIVE YOU TO MY HOUSETO USE MY TOILET.

"IT'S THE MOST INCREDIBLETOILET.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.

YOU CAN'T EVEN FATHOMHOW GOOD THIS IS."

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