Jeff Ross - Cousin Stu

Jeffrey Ross: No Offense - Live From New Jersey Season 1, Ep 101 08/22/2008 Views: 57,201

After Jeff Ross's 104-year-old aunt passes away, his cousin has trouble understanding the cause of death. (1:56)

AND THAT WAS MY JOB,TO CLEAN OUT HER APARTMENT.

THAT'S THE WORST JOB, RIGHT?

SO I CALLED MY COUSINTO HELP ME OUT, RIGHT?

MY COUSIN STU.

EVERY FAMILY HASA COUSIN STU.

HE'S 47 YEARS OLD,HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS,

AND THEY LIVEWITH THEIR PARENTS.

SO I'M LIKE, "STU, WAKE UP.

OUR AUNT PASSED AWAY, YOU GOTTAHELP ME CLEAN OUT HER STUFF."

WELL, HE KNOWS SHE'S 104.

BUT STILL, HE GOES...

[sighs]

"HOW'D SHE DIE?"

"UH...

HER 'CHUTE DIDN'T OPEN."

HOW'D SHE DIE?

SHE WAS 104!

SHE WAS TRAMPLEDAT A WU-TANG CONCERT.

SHE WAS THE OLDESTDIRTY BASTARD IN THE ROOM.

HOW DID SHE DIE?

HER HARLEY FLIPPED OVERON THE JERSEY TURNPIKE.

SHE SCORED SOME BAD CRACK;

THEY FOUND HER IN NEWARK.

SHE DIED DURINGCHILDBIRTH, STU.

SHE GAVE BIRTHTO 74-YEAR-OLD TWINS LAST NIGHT.

IT'S A MIRACLE.

COME MEET YOUR NEWAUNT DONNA AND UNCLE MURRAY.

[laughter and applause]

YOU KNOW HOW SHE REALLY DIED,FOR REAL?

SHE TURNED 104,

THE WHOLE FAMILYGOT TOGETHER,

WE TOOK A VOTE,

AND WE SHOT HER.

HOW LONG CAN WE WAITFOR THREE GRAND

AND A [bleep]COIN COLLECTION?

I GOT BILLS,PARTY PEOPLE.

I CLEANED OUTHER ATTIC,

SHE HAD, LIKE,MOSES'S YEARBOOK UP THERE.

SHE HAD THE BLUEPRINTSTO THE WHEEL.

SHE WAS A FREAK TOO.

SHE HAD, LIKE, AND OLD VIBRATORWITH A HAND CRANK.

[laughter and applause]