EMCEE: Pleasewelcome Sean Patton.
SEAN PATTON: I do remember thefirst joke I ever told onstage.
Um, I was trying to takedown the upper class
through a stance on necrophilia.
It didn't go over.
It wouldn't go over now.
I've tried to, like,take it back to the lab
and be like, come on,this your first joke.
See if you could make it work.
No, it's just not funny.
And just-- oh, man.
But boy, did I try.
Boy, did I try.
-Hey, you like that, youstupid pieces of shit?
So in an attempt toget the audience back,
I leapt into the air andfell flat to the ground,
just a straight-up pratfall.
And it got 'em.
I got a laugh.
And then when I got backup, they applauded, and then
I went back into my material,and it bombed again.
So it was like, bomb,and then, oh, you won!
But fuck you, still a bomb.
-I bumped into a guy.
It was an accident, so Iapologized immediately.
And instead ofaccepting my apology,
he just becameloudly inquisitive.
And I'll demonstratewhat I mean.
I bump into him.
I go, "Oh, excuse me, sir."
And he just goes, "What?
Uh, pre-show rituals-- Idemand, like, 20 minutes of just
"leave me the fuck alone."
What you, what you?"
I just say everything that I'mterrified of actually saying.
I just say it out loud.
I just get it out.
And if someone were tolisten through the doorway,
they'd be like, wow,there's a racist person
with Tourette's in there.
-What-- oh my god, arethey into bestiality?
It's just, it'sawful-- it's just
the things you'reafraid to say out loud.
Or you're afraid that you'llslip and say for some reason.
I just get 'em out.
And I was like, "What?"
The week before I started doingit, I went to a comedy club
in Baton Rouge,Louisiana, and it
was-- the audience was stupid.
The comedian was really funny.
I wish- I wish I couldremember his name.
But I remember goingup to him and being,
like, what should I do?
Like, I want tostart doing this.
Do I take classes?
What do I do?
And he said, never take classes.
Never pay anybodymoney to start.
Just go out there andstart being funny.
And that was it.
It was like, you're right.
Just start being funny.
Can you imagineif this were vodka
and I just chuggedthat much of it?
You want a funny joke?
I got a funny joke for you.
(SLURRING) Love isn't real.
If I wrote a stand-up memoir,the title would be, "I Did It,"
and the subtitle would be,"I Don't Believe It, Either."
Thank you, good night!