Uncensored - Trevor Moore - "High in Church"

Trevor Moore: High in Church Season 1, Ep 101 03/06/2015 Views: 35,873

After doing way too many drugs, Trevor Moore must attend midnight mass with his mom. (5:36)

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Oh, dude, you gotto hit that shit.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

[gagging, coughing]

What?

[coughing]

(Brian)Are you kidding?

[coughing]Wait.

You way too big for thatwiddle biddle-ass hit, dawg.

Come on.

Pass it, man.

I know, look, I just--

The thing about me is,

I like to get highincrementally,

because I hada bad experience once,

so I like to take little hitsand see where that leaves me.

That way, I knowhow much more I can smoke

before I get scaredand stuff.

What?

You need to stopbeing a little bitch

and hit that shit.

Hit that shit.

(both)Hit that shit.

Hit that shit.

I'm going--

(both)Hit that shit.

- What?- All right, all right.

Guys, guys.

[Jamaican accent]Jah praise now.

Control this Rasta.

High-style herb,good for the soul!

Bob from Babylon!

♪ Babylon shel-fah

[laughs]

Ohh.

[knocking]

[door opens]

Trevor, put your shoes on!

We have to getto Midnight Mass!

[pipe organ music]

[hip-hop beat]

♪ I'm high in church

♪ I'm high in church

♪ O Lord, forgive me

♪ This is the worst

♪ I'm high in church

♪ I'm high in church

♪ O God, please help me

♪ This is the worst

♪ Went home for Christmas

♪ and Brian came over,I was nervous ♪

♪ 'cause he brought a bagof shrooms and pot ♪

♪ and I'm new to this,I'm just learning ♪

♪ Got a little too highon accident ♪

♪ Yeah, that's right,not on purpose ♪

♪ Then Mom busted in my room

♪ and said we had to goto midnight service ♪

♪ Now we're in the minivan

♪ and my friendsdon't understand ♪

♪ I'm freaking out here, man

♪ trying to rememberwho I am ♪

♪ My mom is talking to me

♪ and that's justmaking it worse ♪

♪ We walk into the lobby

♪ Oh, shit, I'm high in church

♪ I'm high in church

♪ I'm high in church

♪ O God, please help me

♪ This is the worst

♪ I'm high in church

♪ I'm high in church

♪ I'm high as hell

♪ This is the worst

♪ Fit to gograb a pew ♪

♪ I'm freaking out,don't know what to do ♪

♪ There's an old war vetsnoring next to me ♪

♪ and I think he's been heresince World War II ♪

♪ I'm peaking here,I'm wiggin' out ♪

♪ They know I'm stoned,there is no doubt ♪

♪ Brian is reading a Bibleand laughing ♪

♪ I plead for himto cut it out ♪

♪ But he's giggling loud,he starts to cry ♪

♪ He's turning red,I don't know why ♪

♪ He's like a goddamnneon billboard ♪

♪ saying, "Hey y'all,we're super high" ♪

♪ I ask himwhat his problem is ♪

♪ and what's making him laugh

♪ He points to a versethat says ♪

♪ the Lord opened upthe mouth of an ass ♪

♪ Oh, my god,that's super gross ♪

♪ Why the hellis that in there? ♪

♪ My mom shushes both of us

♪ and people turn aroundand stare ♪

♪ I take the book from Brian

♪ The choir begins to sing

♪ It dawns on me that I'venever actually read this thing ♪

♪ I open up the pages

♪ and then startflipping through ♪

♪ I find it calms me down

♪ and gives my mindsomething to do ♪

♪ It says somebeautiful things ♪

♪ about forgiveness and love

♪ Till I get to the endwhen God comes back ♪

♪ wilds out and straight-upfucks Earth up ♪

♪ Holy shit,did you know this? ♪

♪ Read this last part,what the fuck? ♪

♪ Spoiler alert,God comes back with dragons ♪

♪ and murders everyone

♪ What happened to

♪ the lovey-dovey stufffrom the other verse? ♪

♪ Oh, shit, man, I can'thandle this right now ♪

♪ I'm high in church

♪ I'm high in church

♪ I'm high in church

♪ O God, please help me

♪ This is the worst

♪ I'm high in church

♪ I'm high in church

♪ I'm high as hell

♪ This is the worst

♪ Need to getwhere no one can see ♪

♪ so excuse myselfto take a pee ♪

♪ But in the bathroommy old youth pastor ♪

♪ comes up and standsnext to me ♪

♪ Oh, great, he's probablygonna start yapping ♪

♪ about how my soulis eternal ♪

♪ But instead he just asks why

♪ my pants are downat the urinal ♪

♪ Oops, um, sorry about that

♪ Nice to see you,got to go ♪

♪ Oh, my god,I'm high as balls ♪

♪ and there's no wayhe doesn't know ♪

♪ Shit, this is gettingout of hand ♪

♪ I'm getting higher,need to make a plan ♪

♪ Maybe tell Mom I'm sickand try to get the keys ♪

♪ to sleep this off in the van

♪ I scoot back to my seatand notice ♪

♪ everyone has stopped singing

♪ The pastor asks if there isanyone here who is visiting ♪

♪ Mom gets excited,raises her hand ♪

♪ I tell her no,but she makes me stand ♪

♪ Pastor asks if I'mjust here for Christmas ♪

♪ and I say I am

♪ The congregationturns around ♪

♪ The pastor asks mehow I've been ♪

♪ And that's about whenthe goddamn shrooms ♪

♪ decided it was timeto kick the fuck on in ♪

[demonic laughter]

♪ Trevor you've reallydone it now ♪

♪ Holy shit, what's going on?

♪ What is that voice?I'm freaking out ♪

♪ This is Satan

♪ And you've summoned meto seal your doom ♪

♪ Whoa, hold up,wait a minute ♪

♪ I don't even thinkI believe in you ♪

♪ I exist withinsubconsciousness ♪

♪ down in your mind

♪ But you did drugsand went to church ♪

♪ so now your soul is mine

♪ For all eternity

♪ you will neverescape my clutch ♪

♪ Okay, uh, first of all

♪ I think that seemslike a little much ♪

♪ A joint and a couplecaps and stems ♪

♪ Is that allthat a soul is worth? ♪

♪ And God madeeverything I've done tonight ♪

♪ All of it's from the earth

♪ The mushrooms and the pot,yo, He made it all ♪

♪ The nitrous and the Adderall

♪ Muscle relaxers,maybe a little coke ♪

♪ But if that damns mefor eternity ♪

♪ then if you ask me,the system's broke ♪

♪ Then Satan disappeared

♪ and shriekeda shrieking sound ♪

♪ I sent him back to Hell

♪ because I fuckingstood my ground ♪

♪ The church stares at me

♪ Their eyes are open wide

♪ And the pastor asksif I'd stop shouting ♪

♪ and please go outside

Uh, sure.

Sorry, it's just that...

♪ I'm high in church

♪ I'm high in church

♪ Whatever, man

♪ I guess it could be worse

♪ I'm high in church

♪ That's what I am

♪ Sorry, Mom, I guessI'll be outside in the van ♪

Whatever, man.

I'm gonna be outlistening to the radio.

Wake me upwhen you guys are done.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah!