My parents are cool.
My dad, my dad's great.
He gives me advice
from isolated incidents
that will never happen toanyone else on the planet ever.
"Hey, Dad, how's it going?"
"Mike."Very alert, my father.
"Bit of advice:
"If you're ever locked in a roomwith a red chow
"and a black chow,stand absolutely still.
Chances are, those dogswill attack each other first."
Where the hell did you grow up,Dad?
"I have more to teach you.
"Never shave the sparkly partoff of a sparkler
"and light that sparkly dustby itself.
"I did that in the Navy and Ican't use my pinkies anymore.
Check it out."
Sometimes he'd try and slipa moral in
under his advice.
He'd say something like,
"Son, one time in a Tibetanwhore house... "
( laughing )
"I saw a panther fighta wolverine in a steel cage.
"Now I bet on the panther.
Ming Wa bet on the wolverine."
What does that mean?
"It means one day you'll findthe right woman."
My mom is one of thoseoverly supportive moms.
She's the kind of mom
that would make your clothingfor you when you were a kid.
All the guysin the audience know
that's a passport approvalto Ass-kick Land
every day at school.
My mom would go the extra mile,though.
She would make my clothingout of the same fabric
she made her own clothingout of.
I was the only boy in schoolin an avocado green pantsuit
and matching ascot.
We would play games likeCowboys and Indians and Rhoda.
My head hasbeen this size
since I was five years old.
Imagine the pain of a boywho's 50% head.
Running off to classin an ensemble
that Mary Tyler Moorecouldn't pull off.
I'm about to leave you guys,
but before I go, I wantto let you guys know something:
we are having a big, humongouscontest here tonight,
and you could win somethingpretty cool.
Are you excited about it?
( cheering )
That is what I like to hear.
It's called "The Sex withMike Black Sweepstakes."
I know, everyone's like,"Details, details!"
It's very simple.
I want you to all look downon your chairs...
go ahead, look down whereyou're sitting.
We worked it all outbefore the show.
And if you finda vagina there,