Mike Black - Parental Guidance

Season 1, Ep 0106 08/24/2006 Views: 1,365

Mike Black's dad had some specific advice for his son. (2:35)

My parents are cool.

My dad, my dad's great.

He gives me advice

from isolated incidents

that will never happen toanyone else on the planet ever.

"Hey, Dad, how's it going?"

"Mike."Very alert, my father.


"Bit of advice:

"If you're ever locked in a roomwith a red chow

"and a black chow,stand absolutely still.

Chances are, those dogswill attack each other first."

Where the hell did you grow up,Dad?

"I have more to teach you.

"Never shave the sparkly partoff of a sparkler

"and light that sparkly dustby itself.

"I did that in the Navy and Ican't use my pinkies anymore.

Check it out."

Sometimes he'd try and slipa moral in

under his advice.

He'd say something like,

"Son, one time in a Tibetanwhore house... "

( laughing )

"I saw a panther fighta wolverine in a steel cage.

"Now I bet on the panther.

Ming Wa bet on the wolverine."

What does that mean?

"It means one day you'll findthe right woman."

My mom is one of thoseoverly supportive moms.

She's the kind of mom

that would make your clothingfor you when you were a kid.


All the guysin the audience know

that's a passport approvalto Ass-kick Land

every day at school.

My mom would go the extra mile,though.

She would make my clothingout of the same fabric

she made her own clothingout of.

In 1978.

I was the only boy in schoolin an avocado green pantsuit

and matching ascot.

We would play games likeCowboys and Indians and Rhoda.

My head hasbeen this size

since I was five years old.

Imagine the pain of a boywho's 50% head.

Running off to classin an ensemble

that Mary Tyler Moorecouldn't pull off.

I'm about to leave you guys,

but before I go, I wantto let you guys know something:

we are having a big, humongouscontest here tonight,

and you could win somethingpretty cool.

Are you excited about it?

( cheering )

All right.

That is what I like to hear.

It's called "The Sex withMike Black Sweepstakes."

I know, everyone's like,"Details, details!"

It's very simple.

I want you to all look downon your chairs...

go ahead, look down whereyou're sitting.

We worked it all outbefore the show.

And if you finda vagina there,

you win.