RETURN JULY 2014
'cause I went to the doctor.
The doctor told meI was borderline diabetic.
So I told the doctor,
"What are yougetting racial for?
"Why do you got to say'borderline?'
"'Cause I'm Mexican?
Can't you say 'almost?'"
The cops--cops want to be rappers.
Always rhyming stuff.
"Click it or ticket."
"Drop a dime on crime."
"Don't make me pullthat trigger..."
(fans murmuring loudly)
"Or that ticket will be bigger."
What were you guys thinking?
I'm not a rapper.
I'm not high.
Girls, you guys gotto stop lying.
They always liewith that one question:
"How many guyshave you slept with?"
That's why I think girls shouldcome with that little card.
Remember you were at school,you used to go
to librariesto check out a book?
(applause and laughter)
And that little cardused to tell you
how many peoplechecked that book out.
All right? All I'm saying issome girls come with two cards.
She's a best seller.
My nephew's schoolwas celebrating Presidents Day,
and he comes and he tells me,
"My little black friend'sgoing to wear an Obama shirt.
My little white friend'sgoing to wear a Kennedy shirt."
And he says, "I'm Latino.
I don't knowwhat shirt to wear."
So I made him a shirtthat said, "Coming soon."
(cheering and applause)