Eddie Brill - Grandma's False Teeth

  • Season 7 , Ep 18
  • 06/12/2003
  • Views: 1,318

Remember what a shock it was to find your grandma's false teeth in her glass of water? (3:03)

THE POST OFFICE ADVERTISES

STAMPS ON TELEVISION.

STAMPS.

WE HAVE COMMERCIALS

THAT ACTUALLY GO,

"BUY U.S. POSTAGE STAMPS."

ALL RIGHT, NOW MAYBE IT'S JUST

ME.

BUT MY WHOLE LIFE ALL I'VE EVER

BOUGHT WAS U.S. POSTAGE STAMPS!

BECAUSE WHEN YOU TRY

SCOTCH TAPING 37 PENNIES

TO THE ENVELOPE, IT NEVER GETS

THERE.

BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU PUT

A PENNY ON THE ENVELOPE,

IT WEIGHS MORE THEN YOU GOTTA

PUT ANOTHER PENNY, ON,

THEN IT WEIGHS MORE.

ANOTHER PENNY AND YOU CAN NEVER

WIN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, WHAT'S VERY

INTERESTING ABOUT NEW YORK CITY,

THROUGH ALL THE GOOD TIMES

AND ALL THE BAD TIMES

OF NEW YORK CITY, THERE'S ONE

THING THAT'LL NEVER CHANGE.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE

CONSTRUCTION OF THE

BROOKLYN/QUEENS EXPRESSWAY.

OUR WHOLE LIVES, RIGHT?

NEW YORKERS KNOW THAT.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE WE PAY THEM BY THE HOUR,

THAT'S WHY BECAUSE YOU'VE BE AN

IDIOT TO FINISH THE JOB EARLY.

YOU'RE GETTING $40 AN HOUR

TO WAVE AN ORANGE FLAG, YOU'RE

NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THAT JOB

LAST FOREVER.

IF YOU DIDN'T PAY THEM

BY THE JOB, THEY WOULD BE--

IT WOULD BE OVER IT TWO WEEKS.

WHAT A GREAT GIG, HUH?

YOU NEVER SEE ADS FOR THAT.

I WOULD JOIN UP FOR THAT JOB.

"LOOKING FOR STRONG MEN,

OUT-STANDING-PAY,

EAT AND TAN WHILE YOU WORK.

MUST BE ABLE TO HAVE NEVER

FINISHED ANYTHING YOU'VE STARTED

IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A VERY, VERY LITTLE

GRANDMA THAT LIVES RIGHT OFF

THE BQE.

THAT'S HOW I KNOW ABOUT THE BQE.

MY GRANDMA'S 4'9".

YOU CAN PICK HER UP IN YOUR

HAND, SHE'S SO TINY.

IT'S LIKE, "HI, GRANDMA,

HOW YOU DOIN'?

NOW GO FINISH COOKING."

[BLOWS]

SHE WEARS BIG DRESSES.

SHE FLOATS.

I WOULDN'T HURT HER.

BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET THE NIGHT

I THOUGHT SHE WAS EVIL.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE A

LITTLE CHILD, YOU REALIZE

FOR THE VERY FIRS TIME YOUR

GRANDMOTHER WEARS FALSE TEETH?

REMEMBER WHAT A SHOCK THAT IS?

AND THERE'S TWO SHOCKS.

THE FIRST SHOCK IS WHEN YOU

SEE THE TEETH IN THE GLASS.

THE SECOND SHOCK, IS WHEN

YOU REALIZE THOSE TEETH

ARE NOT IN HER MOUTH.

IT'S LIKE HMMM, TEETH.

AAAHAHH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, EDDIE?

AAAAHHH!

YOU'RE LIKE IN GRANDMA HELL.

YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE.

YOU'RE LOOKING IN YOUR

TORTELLINI FOR EARS.

AAAAHHH!

IT'S SCARY.

I GOT YOUR NOSE.

NO YOU DON'T, GRANDMA,

LEAVE MY NOSE ALONE.

YOU'RE COMIN' APART, NOT ME.

[LAUGHTER]

MY SISTER WAS THE SMART ONE.

SHE TOOK THE DENTURES,

STUCK IT UNDER HER PILLOW.

GOT A MOTORBIKE THE NEXT DAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, THANK YOU.

I GREW UP WITH MY GRANDPARENTS

IN THE HOUSE.

HOW MANY PEOPLE GREW UP WITH

YOUR GRANDPARENTS IN THE HOUSE?

APPLAUD IF YOU GROWN UP WITH

YOUR GRANDPARENTS.

NOT MANY.

BUT IT'S THE GREATEST THING

IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW WHY?

THEY'RE YOUR BEST FRIENDS

GROWING UP.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO GET BACK AT

THEIR KIDS FOR SCREWING UP THEIR

LIVES.

SO, THEY'RE YOUR BEST FRIENDS.

"YOU KNOW, GRANDMA, DADDY'S

YELLING AT ME."

"OH, YEAH?

WELL, TELL HIM HE USED TO PEE IN

HIS BED 'TIL HE WAS 12.

SEE IF HE YELLS A YOU NOW."

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, THANKS."

Loading...