Tommy Johnagin - Marriage

  • Season 13 , Ep 7
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 33,570

Hopefully Tommy will have a successful marriage, which means one of them gets to watch the other one die. (2:30)

I'M NOT FROM HERE.IT'S GOOD TO BE IN NEW YORK.

I'M NOT FROM HERE.

I'M FROM SOUTHERN ILLINOIS.[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WOW. THERE'S -- THERE'S MY TOWN.THAT'S ALL OF THEM.

FROM A SMALL TOWNIN SOUTHERN ILLINOIS.

I SAY "SOUTHERN ILLINOIS"TO ELIMINATE CONFUSION,

'CAUSE IF YOU JUST SAY"ILLINOIS,"

PEOPLE ASSUMEYOU'RE FROM CHICAGO.

AND THAT SHOULD MAKE IT PRETTYSIMPLE -- SOUTHERN ILLINOIS --

UNTIL I TOLD A LADY THATONE NIGHT,

AND SHE GOES,"OH, LIKE LOUISIANA?"

"OH, HMM, I'M FROMTHE PART OF ILLINOIS

THAT'S IN ILLINOIS, ACTUALLY."

SHE SAID IT SO FASTLIKE SHE HAD BEEN THERE --

"LOUISIANA.IT'S NORTH OF AUSTRALIA.

"I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE AT.I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE AT.

I'M VERY GOOD AT GEOLOGY."

I'M ENGAGED.I'M GETTING MARRIED.

THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR.

THAT SOUNDS FUN.

Man:CONGRATULATIONS!

THANK YOU.

HOPEFULLY, WE HAVEA SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE,

WHICH MEANS ONE OF USGETS TO WATCH THE OTHER ONE DIE.

IT SOUNDS WEIRD WHEN YOU PUT ITINTO WORDS, DOESN'T IT?

BUT IT'S NOT A GOOD MARRIAGEUNLESS, SOMEDAY,

ONE OF US IS STANDING OVERTHE OTHER ONE'S DEAD BODY

CRYING, SHAKING HANDS,THINKING, "WE DID IT!

WE WIN! HE'S DEAD.WHERE'S MY PRIZE?"

THAT'S IF YOU'RE LUCKY --YOU GET TO WATCH HIM DIE.

IF YOU'RE UNLUCKY,YOU GET DIVORCED,

AND YOU GOT TO HAVE SEXWITH A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE

AND YUCK, YOU KNOW?

WHO WANTS THAT?

EVERYONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENTDEFINITIONS OF MARRIAGE.

MY FRIEND GOES, "YOU'RE NOTGONNA BE ONE OF THOSE HUSBANDS

THAT GOES AROUND AND SLEEPSWITH OTHER WOMEN, ARE YOU?"

I DIDN'T KNOWTHAT WAS AN OPTION.

I'M GONNA LIKE THISA LOT MORE THAN I THOUGHT.

WOW.

BUT IT IS FUN. IT'S FUN.

IT'S GREAT TO FIND THE PERSON

I'M GONNA SPENDTHE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.

I SAY "THE PERSON."A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY "THE ONE."

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "WHAT'SIT LIKE TO FIND THE ONE?"

I DON'T KNOW.SHE'S NOT THE ONE.

SHE'S ONE OF THE ONES, ANDTHAT'S ALL YOU NEED, REALLY.

THERE'S A LOT OF ONES OUT THERE.

THERE'S 6 BILLION PEOPLEON EARTH.

I'M SUPPOSED TO THINKTHERE'S ONE PERSON FOR ME?

WOW. I HOPE SHE LIVES NEAR ME.

WHAT IF SHE'S FROM BANGLADESHOR DOESN'T HAVE THE INTERNET?

THEN I'M SCREWED, I GUESS.I DON'T KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE'RE GONNA HAVE BABIESEVENTUALLY.

WE WANT TO PLAN A BABY.

WE DON'T WANT TOJUST HAVE A BABY.

WE HAD A LITTLE PREGNANCYSCARE WHEN WE WERE DATING

ABOUT EIGHT MONTHSINTO THE RELATIONSHIP.

WELL, SHE HAD A PREGNANCY SCARE.

I HAD A "LEAVE THE STATE" SCARE.IT'S DIFFERENT.

SHE'S LIKE, "HOW ARE WE GONNARAISE THIS CHILD?"

[ CHUCKLES ]"YOU SAID 'WE.' THAT'S FUNNY.

"HOW ARE YOUGONNA RAISE THIS CHILD?

"HOW AM I GONNA FIND A U-HAUL?

I GOT TO GET THE HEYOUT OF HERE."

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