Ted Alexandro - Healthy

  • Season 5, Ep 7
  • 08/12/2001
  • Views: 7,900

No one wants the cow that got bad grades. (2:28)

I THINK MY FAVORITE

CELEBRATION'S PROBABLY

THE NEW YEAR CELEBRATION.

YOU KNOW?

I ALWAYS LIKE NEW YEAR'S BECAUSE

IT'S SO BIZARRE TO ME THAT WE'RE

DRUNK, WE'RE COUNTING BACKWARDS.

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE, WHEN DID THIS TRADITION

START?

DID THEY HAVE IT BACK IN ANCIENT

TIMES?

LIKE IN ANCIENT ROME DID THEY

HAVE THE COUNTDOWN?

IT WOULD BE LIKE:

"X!...

I-X!"

"V-I-I-I!

V-I-I-V!"

I'M OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

"HAPPY NEW YEAR, HOPPOCLEASE,

I AM OUT."

"I WILL SEE YOU AT THE

VOMITORIUM, YES I WILL."

YOU START TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS

AROUND THE NEW YEARS?

PEOPLE DO THAT.

YOU TRY TO GET IN SHAPE--

LOSE WEIGHT--

I'M TRYING TO SHOP HEALTHIER,

BUT CERTAIN THINGS ARE STRANGE.

LIKE WHY DO WE GRADE OUR BEEF IN

THIS COUNTRY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

GRADE-A BEEF?

YEAH, LIKE A HUMAN'S GOING TO

WANT THE COW THAT GOT BAD

GRADES.

(LAUGHTER)

BE LIKE, YEAH, LET ME GET

THE SPECIAL ED BEEF.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YEAH, FROM THE DYSLEXIC COW.

THE ONE GOING, "OOM."

"OOM."

BANGING HER HEAD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S THE ONE I WANT.

GIVE ME SOME OF THAT BEEF.

I'M TRYING TO STAY IN SHAPE--

I BELONG TO A GYM NOW.

WELL, LET ME REPHRASE THAT--

I DON'T BELONG AT ALL--

BUT I GO.

I GO.

(LAUGHTER)

I GO.

THERE'S BIG GUYS AT THE GYM.

YOU'VE SEEN THE BIG GUYS.

YOU KNOW THE ONES I'M TALKING

ABOUT?

BIG GYM GUYS, JUST WALKING

AROUND.

BIG PIGEONS JUST WALKING AROUND.

(LAUGHTER)

ALWAYS ASKING EACH OTHER WHAT

PART OF THE BODY THEY'RE WORKING

ON THAT DAY.

LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON

TODAY?"

"BACK AND BI'S."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?"

"ASS AND HEAD."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I HAD NO IDEA, FIRST TIME I WENT

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU

WORKING ON TODAY?"

I WAS LIKE, "CHILDHOOD ISSUES."

IS THERE A MACHINE FOR THAT?

THEY'RE BIG.

THEY ALWAYS WANT TO GIVE YOU

A SPOT, TOO.

AND THEY YELL AT YOU LIKE--

ALL YOU!

ALL YOU!

AND I'M LIKE--

SOME YOU!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S TOO HEAVY!

A LITTLE BIT ME, MOSTLY YOU!

(APPLAUSE)

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