Doug Stanhope - Bored of Sex

  • Season 5 , Ep 13
  • 09/23/2001
  • Views: 7,658

There's only so many different ways to have sex until you get bored. (1:19)

IT'S TERRIBLE--

I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND NOW,

BEEN GOING OUT WITH HER FOR

LIKE, A YEAR AND A HALF

AND I'M NOT SAYING I'M SICK OF

POONING HER, BUT I'M NOT

HIGH-FIVING MY FRIENDS

AFTERWARDS, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M SAYING?

IT'S LIKE, AND SHE'S AS WEIRD AS

I AM AND THAT BURNS THINGS OUT

QUICKER.

'CAUSE LIKE IN THE FIRST

THREE MONTHS WE'VE GONE THROUGH

EVERY POSITION, EVERY SEX TOY,

EVERY ORIFICE.

SEX IS A VERY NARROW AVENUE.

YOU ONLY HAVE SO MANY HOLES

AND PARTS AND EVENTUALLY

YOU RUN OUT OF THINGS TO DO.

SIT ON ME THIS WAY, AND I'LL PUT

MY HAND HERE, AND YOU CAN PUT

YOUR FINGER THERE.

OH, DID WE DO THAT ALREADY?

ALL RIGHT, THEN SPIN UPSIDE-DOWN

AND I'LL PUT MY MOUTH HERE AND

YOU PUT YOUR HAND THERE--

DID WE DO THAT, TOO?

OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU DRESS UP

LIKE THIS AND I'LL SMACK YOU ON

THE ASS WITH THAT AND YOU

PLUG THAT IN HERE, STRAP THAT ON

THERE, OW!

OW!

OW!

OW!

OW!

OKAY, MY BAD, MY BAD.

OKAY, RIGHT.

STRANGLE ME WITH THE CORD,

AND WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF

LUBRICANT, AND ARE YOU SOBER

ENOUGH TO DRIVE?...

AFTER AWHILE THERE'S NOTHING

LEFT TO DO.

I HOPE IT COMES FULL CIRCLE--

LIKE, ALL THE WAY BACK TO SQUARE

ONE WHERE AT SOME POINT,

THE KINKIEST THING I CAN

THINK OF--

I GOT AND IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU LAY DOWN THERE

AS AWKWARDLY AS POSSIBLE,

I'M GONNA CLIMB ON TOP OF YA--

I'LL BE DONE IN LIKE, 30

SECONDS, AND YOU START CRYING.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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