Mitch Hedberg - Sandwiches

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 25,112

Ducks eat for free at Subway. (1:54)

(Mitch Hedberg)IN KILKENNY, IRELAND...

THEY DON'T HAVE ANYTHINGAMERICAN OVER THERE.

IT'S VERY COOL.

BUT THEY DID HAVE ASUBWEIGH SANDWICH SHOP.

THAT WAS THE ONE THINGTHEY HAD AMERICAN.

AND TH-THAT BECAME THEAMERICAN EMBASSY TO ME.

I WOULD GO OUT TO A BAR,PISS OFF AN IRISH DUDE,

AND HAVE HIM CHASEME TO THE SUBWEIGH.

SAID, DUDE, I'M SORRY,BUT YOU'RE OUT OFYOUR JURISDICTION.

BUT YOU CAN HAVE A COLDCUT COMBO, THOUGH.

I WAS IN DOWNTOWN BOISE,IDAHO AND I SAW A DUCK.

AND I KNEW THE DUCKWAS LOST, 'CAUSE DUCKS

AIN'T SUPPOSEDTO BE DOWNTOWN.

THERE'S NOTHINGFOR 'EM THERE.

SO I WENT TO ASUBWEIGH SANDWICH SHOP.

I SAID, LET ME HAVE A BUN.

BUT SHE WOULDN'TSELL ME JUST THE BUN.

SHE SAID I HAD TOHAVE SOMETHING ON IT.

SHE TOLD ME, IT'S AGAINSTREGULATIONS FOR SUBWEIGH

TO SELL JUST THE BUN.

I GUESS THE TWO HALVESAIN'T SUPPOSED TO TOUCH.

SO I SAID, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, PUT SOMELETTUCE ON IT,WHICH THEY DID.

THEY SAID, THATWILL BE $1.75.

I SAID, IT'S FOR A DUCK.

THEY SAID, OH, ALL RIGHT,WELL, THEN IT'S FREE.

SEE, I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

DUCKS EAT FORFREE AT SUBWEIGH!

HAD I KNOWN THAT IWOULD HAVE ORDERED

HAD I KNOWN THAT IWOULD HAVE ORDERED

A MUCH LARGER SANDWICH.

LET ME HAVE THESTEAK FAJITA SUB,

BUT DON'T BOTHERRINGING IT UP.

IT'S FOR A DUCK!

THERE ARE SIX DUCKSOUT THERE AND THEYALL WANT SUN CHIPS!

I FIND THAT DUCKS'OPINION OF ME

IS VERY MUCH INFLUENCED OVERWHETHER OR NOT I HAVE BREAD.

A DUCK LOVES BREADBUT HE DOES NOT HAVE

THE CAPABILITYTO BUY A LOAF.

THAT'S THE BIGGESTJOKE ON THE DUCK EVER.

LIKE IF I WORKED ATA CONVENIENCE STORE,

AND A DUCK CAME IN ANDGRABBED A LOAF OF BREAD

WITH HIS BEAK AND WALKEDOUT, I WOULD LET HIM GO.

I WOULD SAY, COMEBACK TOMORROW!

BRING YOUR FRIENDS!

WHEN I THINK OF ADUCK'S FRIENDS,

I THINK OF MOREDUCKS, RIGHT?

BUT (bleep), HE COULD HAVE,LIKE, A BEAVER IN TOW.

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE ANANIMAL, YOU WANT TO HAVE

A BEAVER AS A FRIEND.

'CAUSE THEY HAVE SOMEKICK-ASS HOUSES!

THAT (bleep)IS ON THE LAKE.

LAKESIDE MY ASS!

LAKE-ON!

THAT BEAVER DOES KINDOF LOOK LIKE JARED--

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