Todd Glass - Todd's Act

Warren Thomas & Todd Glass Season 1, Ep 0143 02/24/1992 Views: 3,382

Crack is bad; voting is good. (4:08)

IT'S BIG.

WELL, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I'M ON MY WAYTO A FRATERNITY PARTY.

THANK YOU, THAT'S MY SHOW.

I THINK I GOTMY HAIR CUT TOO SHORT.

NOT JUST SAYING ITFOR THE ACT.

TOO SHORT.

LADY KEEPS CUTTING IT SHORTER,SHE GOES, "HOW DO YOU LOOK?"

I GO, "I LOOK LIKE FRED FLINTSTONE ANDOLIVER NORTH HAD A BABY.

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S VERY COMFORTING."

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

THE LAST TIMEI PERFORMED IN THE AREA

THEY SAID MY ACT WAS FUNNY

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE A MESSAGE.

THE OTHER COMEDIANSWERE POLITICAL COMEDIANS.

YOU KNOW HOW SOME OF THEMVOICE THEIR OPINIONS?

I DON'T REALLY DO THAT

BUT SHE WAS SAYING EVERY JOKESHOULD HAVE A MESSAGE.

NOW EVERY JOKE HAS A MESSAGE.

YOU'LL BE LAUGHING

BUT OUT OF NOWHERE,YOU'LL BE LIKE--

"THAT'S WHAT HEWAS TRYING TO SAY.

OH, HE'S GOOD."

LET'S GET STARTED.

REMEMBER THE DOG'S NAMEFROM THE BRADY BUNCH?

Woman:TIGER.

NO, IT WAS ALICE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

DON'T DO CRACK,IT'S BAD FOR YOU.

ANYWAY...

JUST CELEBRATED MY, AH...

YOU'RE TOO KIND.

JUST CELEBRATEDMY NIECE'S BIRTHDAY.

SHE'S SIX AND ADORABLE

AND I BOUGHT HER A GALLOPINGHORSE FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

IT LOOKED LIKE IT GALLOPEDON THE BOX.

IT'S A PIECE OF JUNK,EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE.

THE THING VIBRATES,THAT'S ALL IT DOES.

( makes buzzing sound )

I WAS THINKING SOMETHING

BUT I DIDN'T SAY IT, YOU KNOW,IT'S MY BROTHER'S KID.

THEN HE SAID, "SHE'LL BEON THAT THING TILL SHE'S 30."

I COULD JUST SEE THE MOM--

"LET ME SHOW YOUHOW TO USE IT, HONEY."

"I KNOW HOW, I'M 28."

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE, IT'S NOTJUST YOUR RIGHT, IT'S YOUR DUTY.

I FIGURED OUT RELATIONSHIPSA LITTLE.

IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP THERE'S AOVERREACTOR AND AN UNDERREACTOR.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS THE WOMANTHAT'S THE OVERREACTOR

BUT I THINK THE WAYTO DEAL WITH IT

IS JUST BECOME THE OVERREACTORIN EVERY SITUATION.

MAKE THEM BE THE CALMER-DOWNER.

I'M EATINGWITH MY GIRLFRIEND;

SHE'S LIKE, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THE WAIT."

I GO, "I CANNOT BELIEVEYOU HAVE TO WAIT.

"WHEN THAT WAITER COMES OVER,HE IS GOING DOWN!

"I'M KICKING HIS FACE!HE IS GOING DOWN!

"DON'T HOLD ME BACK,YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WAIT!

I'M GOING TO KICK HIMRIGHT IN HIS HEAD!"

SHE'S LIKE, "IT'S JUSTA SANDWICH, RELAX."

SO I GO, "ALL RIGHT,BUT I'D DO IT FOR YOU."

( applause )

LAST NIGHT I GOT TO SEEA LITTLE TV EVANGELISM

WHICH I GET A BIG KICK OUT OF.

I LIKE THIS GUY ROBERT TILTON,HE SAYS HE SPEAKS IN TONGUES.

YEAH, HE SAYSGOD SPEAKS THROUGH HIM.

I THINK HE'S LYING.

I'M NOT SURE, I DON'TWANT TO BE QUOTED ON THAT.

BUT HE SAYSHE SPEAKS IN TONGUES.

HE'S LIKE--

( babbling )

AND PEOPLE SEND HIM MONEY.

LOTS OF MONEY.

I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING

TO THE PEOPLETHAT SEND HIM MONEY--

DUH!

THANK YOU.

I MEAN THAT FROM MY HEART.

RICHARD SIMMONS,THAT'S THE DEAL-A-MEAL THING.

WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE DEAL-A-MEAL?

YOU ORDER DEAL-A-MEAL,HE SHOW'S UP AT YOUR HOUSE

AND YOU LOSE YOUR APPETITE.

HE SHOWS UP IN TIGHT SHORTSAND HIS ASS HANGING OUT.

"PUT THAT FOOD DOWN,YOU'RE NOT EVEN HUNGRY."

"WE'RE FULL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

NEUTER YOUR PETS.

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW...

( laughter )

I LIKE PHIL AND OPRAH,THEY'RE GOOD

BUT SOMETIMES IT'S JUSTPEOPLE COMPLAINING AND WHINING

AND THOSE FAKE REACTION SHOTS,LIKE ON GERALDO.

ARE THEY PATHETIC?

I WANT TO PUKE.

YOU KNOW, SOMEONE IS LIKE--

"AND THEN SHE GOT RUNOVER BY A STEAMROLLER..."

THEN THEY PAN TO GERALDO,HE'S LIKE--

( laughter )

PHIL HAS BEEN ONFOR SO MANY YEARS

HE DOESN'T GET EFFECTED.

"OH, I HAD TO LIVEIN A REFRIGERATOR BOX..."

THEY PAN TO PHIL, HE'S LIKE--

( laughter )