So, my name is Hari.
It's mispronounced a fewdifferent ways in this country:
Haree, Hari, Hairy;multiple ways to screw it up.
What frustrates me moreat this point
is whenthe computer screws it up.
I'll type somethinginto Microsoft Word,
I go for the spell check,and, oh, snap,
my name is somehowspelled wrong.
How is this possible, audience?
Well, apparently, Hari isspelled H-A-I-R, "Hair"!
What kind of name is Hair?
My parents weren't hippies.
That doesn't make any sense.
Over a billion Indian peoplein the world.
I'm sure at least five millionHaries,
I'm sure at least half of themwork for Microsoft,
so that mistake is unacceptable.
Thank you. Thank you.
Diversity is a very big issuein this country.
Diversity in the schools,diversity in the workplace.
When people talk aboutdiversity,
they're talking about peopleof color,
which is kind of weird to me'cause when you think about it,
white people are actuallythe most diverse people
in the world.
Have you ever askeda white person
what their cultural heritage is?
You get a math equationthrown back at you.
I'm a third-Germanand a fourth-Irish
and one-sixteenth Welsh.
It's, like, "Damn, Steve,all these years
"I thought you were just white.My bad. My bad.
"Should have been moresensitive. I'm so sorry."
One time I decidedto actually do the math.
My buddy was going overhis heritage, right?
I'm, like, "I'm gonna add upthe fractions
and see what happens."
So I added up and it cameout to 99/100.
There was a hundredth missing.Weird.
So I asked him about it.
I'm, like, "Hey, man,where's that hundredth?"
All of a sudden, he didn't wantto talk about it anymore.
He got all defensive,he tried to change the subject,
and that's whenI figured it out.
That hundredth, that hundredthis the part of white people
that descends directlyfrom the devil.
The rumors are true!
That's my favorite joke.I'm sorry. It really is.
I like that joke a lot.
I like it partly 'cause I know
there a people in the audiencethinking,
"That percentage is gonna beblack, isn't it?
It's gonna be black."
What worries me more, though,
is that there are gonna bepeople in the audience thinking
"Thank God it was the deviland not black, huh?
That guy lucked out.I'm a racist."