Dana Gould - Eating Out with the Family

Dana Gould & Larry Amoros Season 1, Ep 0163 02/24/1992 Views: 1,783

If anyone spills anything, Dad will stick a fork right in your eyeball. (5:40)

LIKE I'VE HAD THIS FEAR...

BUT I HATE EATINGIN RESTAURANTS.

I'M OBNOXIOUSLY POLITEWITH THE WAITERS.

"YOU KNOW, I JUST WANTA TUNA SANDWICH...

"I'LL GO GET IT-- YOU SIT HERE.

I'LL MAKE IT."

WHEN I WAS A KID,WE WENT OUT TO EAT.

OUR ENTIRE FAMILY USED TO EAT

AT THIS ONE PARTICULARRESTAURANT IN OUR HOMETOWN.

I GREW UP IN A TOWNCALLED HOPEDALE, MASSACHUSETTS.

I WAS BORN THERE IN 1964.

THE ONLY THING I HATE OUTSIDEOF MYSELF IS EVERYTHING ELSE.

THERE WAS A RESTAURANT INHOPEDALE CALLED THE PANCAKE MAN

AND I CAN STILL HEAR THE SONG.

♪ DO YOU KNOW THE PANCAKE MAN

♪ THE PANCAKE MAN,THE PANCAKE MAN? ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW THE PANCAKE MAN?

♪ HE LIVES RIGHT OFF ROUTE 2.

AND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IS MY FATHER WOULD GETABOUT A SIX-PACK IN HIM.

EVERY CAN A BULLET IN THECHAMBERS OF HIS EMOTIONAL PISTOL

AND HE'D TEND TO FORGET

WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIMEWE TRIED TO GO OUT TO EAT

AND HE'D GET WHAT WE'D CALL"BUDWEISER BRAVERY."

"I'M TAKING MY BOYS OUT."

HE'D PACK SIX PETRIFIED KIDS

INTO THE BACK OF A WOOD-PANELSTATION WAGON.

COUNTRY SQUIRE.

WE ALL HAD THAT FEAR GRINSTAPLED TO OUR FACE.

( imitating staple gun )

"WHERE YOU KIDS WANT TO EAT?"

"CHINA COOK."

"PAPA GINOS."

"PANCAKE MAN."

AND MY MOTHER, WHO'S SOUTHERN,SHE'D GIVE US THE BIG:

"ALL RIGHT, YOU KIDS BE GOOD.

"BE GOOD.

"PLEASE, BE GOOD FOR MOMMY.

"YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW HOW HE IS.

BE GOOD FOR YOUR MOM."

"NO."

SO WE GET TO THE RESTAURANT

WITH THOSE FAMILY-RESTAURANTORANGE AND YELLOW TABLES

AND PICTURES OF JOHN ANDROBERT KENNEDY OVER EVERYTHING

AND THE SAME HAPPY MUSIC TAPEEVERY TIME.

THEY HAD SOME GENERIC HAPPYMUSIC TAPE THEY GOT IN 1967

AND EVERY TIME WE'D GO IN,IT WAS THE SAME MUSIC.

( humming cheerful music )

TEN MINUTES INTO IT, MY FATHERHAS COMPLETELY REALIZED

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

HE'S SEIZEDBY THIS RICTUS OF TENSION.

"PUT IT DOWN.

"PUT IT DOWN.

"DANA!

QUICK."

"WHAT?

"I DON'T SEE KEVIN SPILLING IT--IT'S HIM.

YOU STAND UP FOR HIMBUT IT'S HIM EVERY TIME."

"I'LL DO ITBECAUSE I DON'T LISTEN TO YOU."

"I'M TELLING ALLOF YOU ONE TIME...

"STARTING WITH YOU.

"YOU SPILL ONE DROPOUT OF THAT G.....N SODA...

"YOU LOOKING AT ME?

"SEE THIS FORK?

I AM GOING TO STICK THIS FORKRIGHT IN YOUR EYEBALL."

( laughter )

( singing cheerful music )

"I'M NOT GOINGTO SPILL ANYTHING."

( singing cheerful music )

"I TOLD YOU HE'D SPILL IT!"

( singing cheerful music )

"WHY?

"NO, NO, NO.

"NO, YOU TELL ME WHY.

"EVERY TIME WE LEAVE THE HOUSE

"THIS ONE HAS TO MAKEA GODDAMN MESS!

NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND."

( scattered laughter )

"TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES."

THEN YOU COULDN'T GO ANYWHEREFOR HELP

BECAUSE THE MINUTEA REAL PROBLEM ERUPTED

MY MOTHER'S WALLS OF DENIALWOULD GO UP

LIKE THE ENTERPRISE FORCE FIELD.

( imitates mechanical motor )

SHE TURNS INTO ATTACKOF THE ZOMBIE CATHOLICS.

"MOM, DAD STUCK A FORKIN MY EYE."

"YOU KNOW GOD HAS A PLANFOR EVERYONE, SWEETHEART."

( singing cheerful music )

20 MINUTES INTO IT,TOTAL ANARCHY HAS BROKEN OUT.

MY SISTER IS LOCKEDIN THE BATHROOM CRYING.

THE WAITRESS REFUSESTO BRING US OUR FOOD.

MY MOTHER'S IN THE PARKING LOT

BUILDING A CROSSOUT OF SOME OLD BOARDS.

"IF THIS FAMILY IS GOINGTO CRUCIFY ME

YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO IT RIGHT."

"EVERYBODY HAPPY NOW?"

"YOUR MOTHER'S PRETENDINGSHE'S JESUS AGAIN.

WELL, GUESS WHO'S NOT GOING TOPLAY ROMAN CENTURION TONIGHT?"

( scattered laughter )

WE'D HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE

BEFORE THE LOCAL NEWSPAPERSSHOWED UP.

ALL WE NEEDED WAS ONE MORELIFESTYLE COVER OF MY MOTHER.

"LOCAL WOMANIN BIBLICAL TRIBUTE."

AND YET IN SPITEOF ALL THOSE FEARS

I CHOSE TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING.

I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS, WHICHHAS NO JOB SECURITY WHATSOEVER

YET IT ATTRACTSTHE MOST INSECURE PEOPLE.

LIKE, I'M DOING PRETTY WELL

BUT I'M CONVINCED NO MATTERHOW WELL MY CAREER GOES

I'LL END UP AS A LONELY OLD MAN

WANDERING DOWN THE STREETALL BY MYSELF

GOING UP TO STRANGE COUPLES,"WASH ME."

( laughter )

MY OLD GIRLFRIENDS FLYINGABOVE ME ON JET PACKS.

"OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S DANA."

( imitating space engine )

( scattered laughter )

"AH, THE HELL WITH IT.

"THE BEST THINGTHAT EVER HAPPENED

WAS THE DAY SHE WALKEDOUT OF MY LIFE."

30 MILES AWAY:"WHO YOU TRYING TO KID?

"YOU'RE STILL IN LOVE WITH HERAND YOU KNOW IT.

YOU JUST CAN'T HANDLE THE PAIN."