- It's an election year,
which means we're all about to go through a breakup.
And an eight year relationship is always hard to get over.
Oh, well not always.
I'm talking about Obama.
We're not ready to say goodbye yet,
but all we can do is cope.
So here are my tips fordealing with a breakup.
Okay, first get rid of everything
that reminds you of Obama,
including those dad jeans,
that Portuguese water dog poster,
and Joe Biden.
I'm sorry, Joe, bye.
And seriously, don't stalk his social media accounts.
I assure you, he's not up.
And don't drive by his house, he's moving, all right?
Now I know there's always gonna be those songs
that remind you of him like this one.
("Hail to the Chief" by James Sanderson)
That's our song you guys, turn it off,
turn if off, (sobs) I can't take it.
He's perfect, it's like he didn't do anything wrong.
All I can think about is that sweet perfect jump shot,
you hunky angel of a man, oh!
- [Barack] I'm not gonna be humiliated.
- Oh Jesus, goddamn it.
He's the most fuckable president we'll ever have.
Think about it.
Like tell me youwouldn't fuck this guy.
Ah, pull yourself together, pull it,
let's, come on, it's time to move on.
You know, maybe this is the right time
to like experiment with something new,
like a woman or a rotting bag of baby carrots.
I don't know.
(audience laughs and applauds)
I refuse to show Donald Trump'sface if I don't have to.
I'm not Wolf Blitzer, yet.
You'll need to tune in next time for that,
but this week on Not Safe
I head down to a Trump rally
and ask his supporters if he's the right candidate
to make America horny again.
Tune in Tuesday at 10:30pm to find out.
(audience cheers and applauds)