- Ladies and gentlemenof "Roast Battle,"
give it up for my opponent,Ken doll Jenner.
You gorgeous,aristocratic queef.
You--you look like a manwho would stab his horse
after losing a polo match.
- I look like a Ken doll.
You look like a Chucky dollafter a house fire.
Let's address the elephant manin the room.
Alex is only 31 years old.
If wrinkles add character,
he has a very strongGmail password.
- Thank you, Hugh Jackmanoff.
Matthew has a degree inmathematics and builds models.
He's such a nerdthat when a girl asked him
to fill up her box,he completed a Sudoku.
[snoring sound effect]
- Alex Hooperis why you don't
feed Richard Simmonsafter midnight.
[car alarm blaring]
- Battle! Battle!
[car alarm blaring]
- What the [bleep]?
- Let me tell you all a tale.[chuckles]
Before comedy, Matthew workedas a financial anal-ist.
In fact,his family has been
Merrill Lynching black peoplefor years.
[laughs and groans]
- See, the thing is I don't wantto say anything too mean
about Alex because thenI'm gonna feel bad
when he diesof whatever it is he has.
- Last joke.
- Thank you, Aryan Seacrest.
Matthew is suchan alt-right Jew...
he spells Hanukkahwith three Ks.
- Alex is actuallya working actor.
He does pretty wellfor himself.
He just caston the new season
of "Law and Order:Burn Victims Unit."
[laughter, bell dinging]
- Last battleof the quarterfinals.
Alex Hooper,Matthew Broussard.
Judges, do someof that judging shit.
- Wow.That was truly hilarious.
Matthew, he was likeyour imaginary friend
that you don't believe inanymore.
- Oh, my God.
- I love bothof these comedians so, so much.
Alex Hooper, super,
super [bleep] amazingperformance tonight.
And, Broussard, stoic,just under all that craziness.
- I only came herefor the hug.
- Sarah?- This is really hard.
I mean--- So was Alex.
- Alex--- That's all it is.
- Alex could easily beform over function.
You would think that yourwriting wouldn't be as strong
because you're kind ofall performance, but it is.
The KKK-Hanukkah thingis really great and everything.
Matthew,you are a great writer.
Elephant man in the room,
Wave, did you guys decideon the elephant underwear
when he said elephant manin the room
or just coincidence?
- Okay, sorry, who won?[bleep]!
Ah, shit!Do you want to--
- Am I tagging in on this?- Tag in on this.
- That's fine.- Should I pander to you as well
- You know what? Because his--he's got a whole character.
- [laughing] Everything's gonnabe fine. The whole thing.
- But in terms of, like,joke writing,
I mean, I would give itto Matthew,
but Alex is kind ofthe whole package.
Alex, I can't even figure outyour outfit.
First of all, you knowI love a fashion tight,
but where do you tuckyour vagina?
- Right into my asshole,Sarah.
Exactly where it belongs.
- Of course.
Who won this for you?Do you know?
- He's part cat.- I am neither male nor female.
I am simply here.
- I find thatgenuinely beautiful, I do.
- Well, Matthew,you got him hard
on dies from whatever it ishe has 'cause it's funny.
The Gmail password joke,very abstract.
Very abstract.- That alone I feel like
wins it for him.- Loved it, loved it.
And Richard Simmons, of course,it's always great
when you can say somethingwe've all thought,
but never really articulatedto ourselves.
And that's what I was thinkingwithout knowing it.
So I got to give it to Matthew.I'm gonna give it to Matthew.
- Oh. All right, Jeff,who do you like?
- Ugh, such an amazing,
amazing performanceon both your parts.
Alex, you had someof the best jokes
I've ever heard you tell today.- Thank you.
- You brought your gameto this tournament.
You were so funnythe other night.
You did somethingcompletely different tonight.
But, Matthew,your writing tonight,
Gmail password.The whole thing.
I was blown awayby the way you--
you really redeemed yourselfin the last tournament.
You went out way too soon,and now look at you.
You made the finals, buddy.Congratulations.
- Whoa!- Thank you.
- He wins in life,and he wins right now--
[cheers and applause]