Nick DiPaolo - Trying to Get Pregnant

  • Season 11 , Ep 4
  • 01/18/2007
  • Views: 4,910

Nick's wife wants to get pregnant and doesn't want him involved. (1:46)

YOU KNOW, I USED TO SEEMY DAD OUT IN THE YARD.

I'M LIKE, "HE REALLY LOVED THE OUTDOORS."

THEN AFTER I GOT MARRIED, I FIGURED IT OUT.

HE HATED MY MOTHER. YOU KNOW THAT'S HOW IT IS.

MY WIFE CAUGHT ME RAKING LEAVES BACK ONTO OUR PROPERTY

- LAST YEAR. - [LAUGHTER]

NOW SHE WANTS TO GET PREGNANT. SHE DOESN'T WANT ME INVOLVED.

I DON'T KNOW.SHE KEEPS GOING,

"WAIT IN THE CAR, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT."

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S NOT A FERTILITY CLINIC,

IT'S YOUROLD BOYFRIEND'S HOUSE."

- "NO IT'S NOT."- [LAUGHTER]

SHE'S HAVING TROUBLE GETTING PREGNANT,

SO SHE'S TAKINGA DRUG CALLED "CLOMED."

IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU HAVE A BABY.

BUT THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE DIARRHEA, BAD BREATH AND MOOD SWINGS.

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ANYBODY YOU'D WANNA [BLEEP], REALLY?

- I MEAN. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE HAS WICKED MOOD SWINGS ON THIS.

AND THE SIDE EFFECTS FOR ME,

EVERY TIME SHE TAKES THESE PILLS, I HAVE HALLUCINATIONS.

I SEE A WITCH FLYING AROUND ON A BROOMSTICK FOR TWENTY-FIVE...

"HONEY, HOW ARE THOSE HOT FLASHES?"

"I'M MELTING, YOU SON OF A BITCH,

"I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING!

- I'LL GET YOU!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY HAVE ALL THIS STUFF FOR WOMEN

WHO HAVE TROUBLE GETTING PREGNANT.

SHE'S GOT LIKE A PALM PILOT THATTELLS HER WHEN SHE'S OVULATING.

SHE RUNS IN THE BEDROOM LAST WEEK, SHE GOES,

"WE HAVE TO [BLEEP] RIGHT NOW. WE HAVE TO [BLEEP] RIGHT NOW."

"I GET A [BLEEP] CUE?WHAT AM I, A PORN STAR?

I DON'T SEE AN UGLY SOFA AND A POTTED PLANT BEHIND ME."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S LIKE "I'M PEAKING! I'M PEAKING!"

I TOOK HERCALENDAR OUT FROM 1976.

I CIRCLED A WEDNESDAY, I GO, "THAT'S WHEN I PEAKED."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S A TURKEY BASTER. SEE YOU AFTER SPORTS CENTER.

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