Lisa Landry - Jogging Is Unhealthy

  • Season 11 , Ep 8
  • 02/01/2007
  • Views: 13,287

"OH MAN, HOW DID I LIVE HERE? THIS IS DEPRESSING."

AND THEN I REMEMBER I STARTEDDRINKING WHEN I WAS 12.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. THAT'S NO WAY TO LIVE.

YOU'RE BAD WHEN YOU'RE SNEAKING OUT TO DRINK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

- AND I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TITS YET. - [LAUGHTER]

MY HUSBAND'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, YOU COULD TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF

"IF YOU WANT TO. YOU COULD LIKE GO FOR A JOG EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE."

- "NO. - [LAUGHTER]

- "JOGGING HURTS. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOUR FEET BLISTER AND YOU CAN'T BREATHE.

"AND I GOT A MUFFIN TOP BOUNCING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"IT'S UNSIGHTLY. BESIDES, I WATCH LAW AND ORDER,

"I KNOW WHAT HAPPENSTO THE JOGGER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"EVERYBODY KNOWS, SCENE ONE, JOGGER FINDS THE DEAD BODY,

OR, THE JOGGER IS THE DEAD BODY."

"YEAH, YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE YOU'RE OUT JOGGING AND YOU GET MUGGED.

"NOW YOU CAN'T RUN'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO TIRED,'CAUSE YOU WERE JOGGING.

"YOU SHOULDA STAYED HOME AND SMOKED A JOINT

- AND WATCHED LAW AND ORDER." - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, "OH NO. [INHALES DEEPLY]

"JOGGING IS SO UNHEALTHY. [EXHALES]

- PASS ME THAT FRIED CANDY BAR." - [LAUGHTER]

SO THEN HE'S LIKE, "OKAY, YOU DON'T WANNA RUN AROUND OUTSIDE,

YOU COULD JUST JOIN A GYM." "I'M NOT GONNA JOIN A GYM.

A GYM IS JUST A P.E. CLASS THAT YOU PAY TO SKIP."

I HATED P.E. CLASS. I WAS A FAT KID IN SCHOOL.

THE LAST PLACE YOUWANNA BE IS P.E. CLASSWHEN YOU'RE THE FAT KID.

'CAUSE THE KIDS ALREADY WANNA KICK YOUR FAT ASS 'CAUSE YOU'RE WEIRD

AND YOU'RE FAT AND YOU SMELL LIKE CHEESE DANISH.

NOW I'M IN A LOCKER ROOM IN FRONT OF THEM.THAT'S AWKWARD.

WE HAD A COACH ALWAYSYELLING AT US, "COME ON,

"YOU GOT FIVE MINUTES TO DRESS IT OUT. HURRY IT UP, FIVE MINUTES-- FIVE MINUTES."

HE WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE IN THERE WITH US.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- THEY MADE ME DO GYMNASTICS. - [LAUGHTER]

I KNOW, AND YOUSHOULD'VE SEEN ME THEN,I WAS EVEN FATTER.

THEY HAD ME UP ON A BALANCE BEAM, BIG OLD CHUBBY THING.

HAVE YOU SEEN A BALANCE BEAM, SKINNY GIRL?

THEY'RE TWO INCHES WIDE. EACH OF MY LEGS WAS 55 INCHES.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M UP THERE WEEBLING AND WOBBLING ON THE BALANCE BEAM.

WEEBLING AND WOBBLING LIKE MEL GIBSON AT AN AA MEETING.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WAS TERRIFIED.

I WAS CONVINCED I WAS GONNA SLIP ON THE BEAM

AND JUST PUGH!--

PUGH!-- I WOULD RIP MYSELF PUGH!-- RIGHT UP THE MIDDLE.

I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE BIRTH.

"I'M SORRY, LISA CAN NEVER HAVE A BABY,

SHE JUST BROKE HER LADY BUSINESS IN GYM CLASS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT'S BULL ANYWAY. YOU SHOULDN'T PUT A FAT KID UP ON A BALANCE BEAM.

THAT'S WRONG.

THEY NEVER TOOK THE BLIND KIDS TO THE SHOOTING RANGE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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