Daniel Tosh - Snapple Facts

Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Season 1, Ep 101 03/06/2011 Views: 73,227

No matter how drunk you get, Daniel Tosh guarantees that you will remember one important fact about kangaroos. (2:18)

Watch Full Episode

IT'S NOT VERY FUNNY,BUT YOU LEARNED SOMETHING.

I DON'T CAREHOW DRUNK YOU GET TONIGHT,

YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THAT.

YOU'LL BE IN AUSTRALIANINE YEARS FROM NOW.

YOUR FRIEND WILL GET ATTACKEDBY A KANGAROO,

AND YOU'LL INSTINCTIVELY YELL,"GET BEHIND HIM.

"WAIT, HOW DID I KNOWTO SAY THAT?

"HOW DID I KNOWTO SAY THAT?

"AM I A WIZARD?

"HAVE I ALWAYS BEENA WIZARD?

WELL, THEN WHY DON'TI HAVE A DEMON?"

[scattered laughter]

I LOVE SNAPPLE FACTS.

I WISH THEY WOULD HIRE ME.

I'D GIVE 'EM FACTS.THEY'D BE SILLY.

LIKE, BABIES AREN'TDISHWASHER-SAFE.

PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE,"OH, MY GOODNESS.

"WHO DOESN'T KNOW THIS?

"WELL, I GUESS IF THEY KEEPONE BABY OUT OF THE DISHWASHER,

"THEY'RE DOING A GOOD THINGOVER THERE.

THANKS, SUMMER PEACH."

I PREFER THE TEAS.

THIS IS MY IMPRESSIONOF JOHNNY DEPP

BEFORE HE LEAVES HIS HOUSEAT NIGHT.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW,JOHNNY DEPP'S 48 YEARS OLD.

I ASSUME IT GOES LIKE THIS.

"HOLD ON, GUYS,I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

"I HAVE TO PUT ONANOTHER BRACELET.

"I ONLY HAVE SIX ON.I WANT TO WEAR SEVEN TONIGHT.

"I KNOWYOU'RE IN A HURRY,

"BUT I HAVE TO MAKE SUREMY BELT IS ASKEW

"AND MY HANDKERCHIEFIS JUST SO,

BECAUSE I'M ALMOST 50,AND I LOVE ACCESSORIES."

COOL SHOULD HAVE A CUTOFF.

AND MY VOTE IS 48.

I LIKE WATCHING MOVIES ON DVD.

I DON'T NEED ALL THE EXTRAS.

I DON'T NEED TO SEEALTERNATE ENDINGS.

THEY'RE NEVER THAT DIFFERENT.THEY'RE JUST LONGER,

A FEW MORE SWEAR WORDS,

AND A BOOB THAT THE GENERALPUBLIC COULDN'T HANDLE.

IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE MEALTERNATE ENDINGS,

YOU BETTER BLOW ME AWAY.

LET ME WATCH THE MIGHTY DUCKSWITH MY NEPHEW.

YEAH, WE WATCHEDTHE ALTERNATE ENDING

WHERE THEY LOSETHE HOCKEY GAME.

THEN THEY GO BACKTO THE LOCKER ROOM.

THEY START DOING BLOWAND JERKING OFF ON EACH OTHER.

EMILIO'S DEAD IN THE SHOWER.

YOU'RE LIKE,"HOLY COW. WHOA.

"DID YOU SEETHE ALTERNATE ENDING?

"NO, NO, NO, THEY WENT

"IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENTDIRECTION.

"I THINK DISNEY WAS SMARTWITH THE ORIGINAL.

THAT ALTERNATE ENDING WAS ALITTLE TOO HEAVY FOR THE KIDS."

THAT'S DISNEY,

ALWAYS SNEAKING INSUBLIMINAL STUFF IN OUR MOVIES.

DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A PENISON THE LITTLE MERMAID BOX?

YOU TRY TO DRAW ARIELFOR SIX MONTHS

AND NOT PUTA [bleep] SOMEWHERE.