Andrew Kennedy - Close Calls

  • Season 11 , Ep 3
  • 01/18/2007
  • Views: 12,601

As a father, Andrew constantly messes up. (2:00)

THERE ARE SO MANY CLOSE CALLS.

SO MANY, THAT I DON'T TELL MY WIFE ALL OF THEM.

AS LONG ASNOBODY GETS REALLY HURT,WHY TELL HER EVERYTHING?

THAT'S JUST DUMB, ISN'T IT, RIGHT?

LIKE WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR KIDAT A SUPER STORE FOR 45 MINUTES,

BUT THEN YOU FIND HIM, WE FOUND HIM.

WE WERE ONLY ONLOCKDOWN FOR 45 MINUTES.

NOBODY WAS GOING IN, NOBODY WAS COMING OUT.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE PLAYEDHIDE-AND-SEEK WITH HIM.

THAT WAS MY FAULT. THAT WAS STUPID.

'CAUSE HE'S REALLY GOOD,HE DOESN'T MAKE A SOUND.YOU CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

NAVY SEALS WOULD LEARN FROM AIDAN HOW TO KEEP QUIET.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT BIG N' TALL UNDERWEAR RACK HE WAS HIDING UNDER.

WE WERE IN PENNSYLVANIA AT A HOTEL A FEW YEARS AGO

AND IAN WAS 10 MONTHSAT THE TIME AND AMY WENT

TO PUT HER MAKEUP ONIN THE BATHROOM AND SHE TOLD ME,

"HONEY, I PUT IAN ON THE BED, JUST WATCH HIM."

HE'S 10-MONTHS-OLD, "JUST WATCH HIM. IT'S SIMPLE,

WATCH HIM,I'M GONNA DO MY MAKEUP."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,BUT 10-MONTH-OLD CHILDREN

DON'T STAY ON A BEDFOR VERY LONG.

THEY REALLY DON'T. THEY'LL FIND THE EDGE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY,

AND SIT WITH THEIR BACKTO THE EDGE OF THE BED.

SO, I'M WATCHING A SHOW WITH AIDAN,

AND I TURN AROUND TO SEEMY SON FALL OFF THE BED,

IN SLOW MOTION, 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T STOP IT FROM HAPPENING.

ALL I CAN DO IS REMEMBER THE HORRIBLE SCENE AS IT UNFOLDS

RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. IT WAS SLOW-MOTION,

BUT HE DID A PERFECT TUCK AND ROLL,

AND IT WAS LIKE THE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL

CAME TO THE RAMADA INN--NOTHING HAPPENED.

HE BURPED, LAUGHED,SHE WALKED OUT, I PICKED HIM UP,

WE'RE PLAYING SUPERMAN,SUPERMAN LOOK AT THIS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BLEEKY, BLEEKY, BLEEKY, BLEES. BLEEKY, BLEEKY, STINKY KNEES.

'CAUSE YOU COVER UP WITHSTUPID SONGS WITH YOUR CHILDREN.

BUT MY WIFE AMY KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP,THEY ALWAYS KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- "GIVE ME THE BABY." - [LAUGHTER]

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