I used to live in Chicago,
which, if you'venever been, gets
"God doesn't love you anymore"cold in the winter.
Like, literally I usedto walk around like...
[coughs]"The hell's in my throat?
"Oh, it's my balls.
"They've gone that highfor warmth.
"Oh, I'll just catch the bus.
"My nipples have razored holesin my shirt.
"I look like a fat [bleep].
I'll just go."
Like, they only havefour months of sunshine
every year, right?
And when that first dayof sunshine happens,
people come outof their houses
like molesout of the ground.
"Oh, the sweet kissof sunlight.
I missed you."
Like, people lose their mindsin the summer in Chicago.
Case in point: they haveamazing pub crawls
in Chicagoduring the summer.
Like, I was on a clown pub crawlwhen I lived in Chicago.
Oh, yeah.Oh, yeah.
Like, 85 men and womendressed as clowns.
I'm talking the wig,the nose,
the flower that squirts gin,the pants,
the shoes,the whole thing.
85 men and womendressed as clowns.
Half of us took acid,
which, oh, that won't snapyour brain in half.
Oh, yes, it will.Yes, it totally will.
And we rented a school bus
and hired a sober guyto drive us
Did not planthe pub crawl.
85 drunken, acid-headed clownsgoing to random bars.
And I'm talking, like,old man bars, right?
Where there's an old manjust wiping it down.
There's, like, an old rummy,his best friend,
they've known each otherforever,
just, like, sitting there,like, "Slow night, huh?"
"Yeah, slow night."And we roll in,
they're like,"What the [bleep]?"
[sings Entrance of the Gladiators]
♪ Time to do shots
♪ Peeing on the floor
♪ Vomiting on my best friend
And just stumbling,breaking windows
with our faces.
At one point, a guy wasstanding on top of the bar
and was like, "Yeah,"and this girl fell
and grabbed his belt and pulledhim through a beer cooler.
Kudshh!And we're all like, "No!"
And then he stood up,"I'm okay!"
And the placewent [bleep] bananas.
There is no better moment
than "Oh, I think he's dead.He's alive! Yeah!"