Amy Schumer - The Homeland

  • Season 14 , Ep 14
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 49,889

In New York, Amy Schumer is considered a six, but in Miami, she's a negative three. (3:48)

I CAN'T BELIEVEWHAT A BIG THEATER --

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHICH WAY TO FACE IN HERE.

IT'S LIKE SEX.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, BUT, REALLY, THIS IS --I FEEL LIKE CRYING.

IT'S LIKE SEX.I JUST CAN'T...

WOW.THANK YOU FOR COMING.

WELCOME.I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

THIS IS AMAZING.

AND I JUST WANT TO GET SOMETHINGOFF MY CHEST

JUST RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

I'M A JEW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

REALLY?

OKAY, NOW YOU GUYSARE JUST PHONING IT IN.

NO, BUT, SERIOUSLY,ANY -- ANY JEWS HERE?

ANY? A COUPLE?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]ALL RIGHT, NOT BAD.

KIND OF HALF FOR NEW YORK.

I GUESS THE REST OF USARE OUT RUNNING THE WORLD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT'S GOOD YOU GUYSARE HERE, TOO.

YOU'RE REALLY A JEW?YOU'RE SO PRETTY.

GOD, I LOVE IT.

IT'S SO GOOD.YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE YOUR HORNS.

THIS IS FUN.

THIS IS GREAT.

AND I JUST WENT --

I JUST WENT TO OUR HOMELANDFOR THE FIRST TIME.

HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEENTO MIAMI?

YEAH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT IS WHERETHE CHOSEN PEOPLE ARE,

IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.

OH, MY GOD.I HAD NO IDEA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MIAMI IS CRAZY.I'M NEVER GOING BACK THERE.

EVERYONE THERE WAS GORGEOUS.

GORGEOUS, RIGHT?

I DO OKAY IN NEW YORK.

YOU KNOW, FOR A COMEDIAN,

I'M BRINGING THE THUNDERUP HERE, OKAY?

COMIC? COME ON. YEAH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I USUALLY DO OKAY.

IN NEW YORK, I'M LIKE A 6 --LIKE, 7 WITH ALL THE PADDING.

BUT IN MIAMI,I WAS LIKE A NEGATIVE 3.

PEOPLE WERE LIKE,"WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THROWING UPON THEIR MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIRS.

CHILDREN WERE CRYING.

I WAS LIKE,"BEYONCĂ© CALLS IT JELLY."

THEY WERE LIKE,"THAT'S COTTAGE CHEESE, BITCH.

DO SOME LUNGES."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."EVERYONE'S HOT THERE.

LIKE, THEIR HOMELESS PEOPLEARE HOT IN MIAMI.

THEY'RE NOT OUR BIRD-OBSESSED,WEIRD HOMELESS.

I MADE OUT WITH A HOMELESS GUYBY ACCIDENT.

I HAD NO IDEA.

HE WAS, LIKE, REALLY TAN.HE HAD NO SHOES ON.

I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE,HIS THING, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE,"HE'S PROBABLY IN A BAND."

MY FRIEND'S LIKE, "HE PROBABLYDOESN'T HAVE A HOME, BUT..."

AND THE WAY I FOUND OUT,WE WERE SITTING ON THIS BENCH,

AND WE WERE, LIKE, KISSING,YOU KNOW, OR, LIKE, DOING IT.

I DON'T REMEMBER.

'CAUSE IT'S, LIKE,SO BRIGHT DOWN THERE.

BUT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...I WAS LIKE, "LISTEN,

LET'S TAKE THIS PARTYBACK TO YOUR PLACE," RIGHT?

HE'S LIKE,"BITCH, THIS IS MY PLACE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT WAS SAD.IT WAS A HARD TIME FOR ME.

HARD TIME. OH.

AND THEY HAVE THESE THINGSIN MIAMI.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYSHAVE EVER SEEN THEM BEFORE.

I'D NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THEM.

THEY HAVE THOSE LITTLE, UM...THE CUBAN PEOPLE.

OH! I AM OBSESSED.

OBSESSED.

I MET MY FIRST CUBAN GUY.

LADIES, LISTEN TO THIS NAME.

CESAR.

HOW SEXY IS THAT?

SO SEXY.I'D NEVER EVEN SEEN HIM BEFORE.

JUST GORGEOUS.

HE'S 3'11".I DON'T CARE.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT, DO WE HAVETO GO TO AMUSEMENT PARKS?

WE'LL WORK IT OUT," SO...

[ SIGHS ]

SO CUTE.

AND THE WAY I MET HIM --CRAZY -- MY LITTLE CUBAN CIGAR,

WE'RE AT THE HOTEL RESTAURANT.

AND I WAS JUST TRYING TO ORDERA CORN MUFFIN FOR BREAKFAST.

YOU KNOW,MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.

AND THE WAITRESS IS LIKE,

"OH, HE JUST GOTTHE LAST CORN MUFFIN.

WE ONLY HAVECHOCOLATE CHIP LEFT."

CESAR HEARS THIS,AND HE COMES OVER,

AND HE'S LIKE...

[ Spanish accent ]"YOU CAN TAKE THE CORN MUFFIN.

I WILL HAVE THE CHOCOLATE CHIP."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] I'M LIKE,"HOW CUTE IS THIS GUY?

"BUT YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO TRADE WITH YOU GUYS,

SO WHAT..."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LIKE I MAKE THE RULES.LIKE I'M...

IT'S REALLY HARD.

[ SIGHS ]I'VE BEEN DRINKING A TON.

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